My Interests and dreams

My top 10 Interest

1. Writing: whether it is lists, notes, outlining, blogging, short stories, or novel writing.. . I really don’t care as long as I am writing daily. I love to write and research, but not editing so much. http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2018/09/04/links-to-my-pages-4/
2. Cooking and baking: I love getting creative in the kitchen.
3. Playing music : I usually have soundtracks for each of my projects.
4. Play video games, especially candy crush, jeopardy, Sims 3 Pets, and Bubby, a cat game.
5. Shopping. I will make a list for grocery or a few extra dollars at Wal-Mart, I love getting deals.
6. Playing with cats or certain dogs: I can be aggressive my hormone issues so not all dogs like me.
7. 
8. Watching tv or movies: last interesting movie I watched “Baby Driver.” I also like to read.
9. Hanging out with friends: it’s hard to find friends my age without kids or that don’t work 50 plus hours a week. I like watching movies, going out to eat, bbq, dinner parties, or a night of card and board games.
10. Painting or coloring : I prefer doing either on at a table, but it does relax me. I have some on my devaintart account. . .https://www.deviantart.com/rebekah1213
11. Going for walks: it lets me release tension and relax if I can.

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/01/28/sigh-9/

5 things I cannot live without. . .

1. Family
2. Pen & paper
3. Good music
4. Food
5. Good working wifi

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

Answering the questions 5, 8, & 16
5. Do you have a dream you’re pursuing?

I’ve had two dreams growing up. . . Rock Star and when my musical major fell through I put that in the back burner. I’ve also love to write and I would love to be a multi-genre novelist.

8. What’s your big passion?

My top 5 passion

1. Writing is my best way to express myself. When I write, anything can happen. . . I can make or break a character or twist the plot. I can newly create or destroy a world. I can have love or war among my characters. In my writing, I am the Goddess and I am in control. (Until my muses get a hold of it, lol.)

My writing blog https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/

2. Food is an expression and experience. It’s art not just substance. I enjoy my food . . . Trying new things. I like food that makes me happy.

3. Music is an expression if myself. I love to sing and dance ( when no one is looking.) It helps me get out if bad moods and sometimes into good ones. What is life without the ultimate soundtrack?

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/03/dancing-in-the-shadows/

4. Family this includes friends and pets as well. They are with me through thick and thin. They even put up with my moods. They encourage my writing and believe pets are not just animals but apart of the family. Animals are not just animals but our fur babies and apart of the family.

5. WiFi: Internet. It’s my main to chat, research, and explore. I like to be in connection with the world, and I like if I had too much then, I could just turn it off.

16. What’s the most embarrassing concert you’ve ever attended?

I have been to only three actual concerts in my Life two were Hanson and the other was a Christian band after a baseball fame. I was never embarrassed at any of them. I would go to another Hanson concert again if I could.

I’ve never been embarrassed at a concerts, but backstage of the choir concerts I’ve performed in, can get pretty crazy.

Loki prompt # 19

Loki prompt # 19 Loki’s early memories. . .

One of my earliest memories was when Frigga, mama, would tell Thor and I stories. . .

Frigga had both of us in her lap. . . Thor would always push, because he wanted to sit in the middle.

I remember one of her stories well. . . I called it “Cried Wolfe”

“There was a woman who was a sorceress. She only allowed the world to see a part of her. (Unfortunately, the colors were dark and dull.) She was afraid of the world. . . afraid of the rejection. . . Afraid of the hopeful, messy future. . . afraid the joy would stop. And whatever else she was afraid of. . . .
Anyway, She met people in her life, but she always kept distant. She never let them in. She never let them help. . . she didn’t want to see them weak. She couldn’t let them see her weak. She wasn’t a victim, she was a sorceress. She wanted to show the world mystery and magic, but her tricks never worked right.
She found a man who wanted to help her, but she just would not tell him her tricks.
“How can I help you if will not tell me your tricks?” She stood there silent for a second and kissed him. She appreciated his gesture. . . a year later they were married. She knew he had prodigy, and she tried to accept them as her own. However they just were not good enough alone, she soon wanted some of her own. He gave eventually gave her a few, and for a while things went well. . . . or so she allowed everyone to think. . . her greatest trick was a smile on her face.
She eventually got bored, everyone knew her regular tricks, and she still did not want to tell everyone, everything deep down. . . so she start to sneak away to show others her tricks and mystery.
Then one day she was sad, but refused to show it. Her life became fuzzy and listless like a fog. She would tell one person one thing and another person something else. She couldn’t keep her stories straight. She pushed her own prodigy away by telling them that they lied when it was them who caught her in her own lies.
Soon after, the small town got together and exchanged her stories, told her spells, and revealed the clouded mystery. She was shocked when no one would believe anything she said. She could have been lying or telling the truth, but by the time everyone saw her tricks. . . no one believed her anymore.
She fled leaving the man and her prodigy behind, because she couldn’t face the mess that she had created. She never corrected herself or apologize, because she felt she was never wrong. She just performed more tricks for people who wished that her mystery was true. However she her own prodigy was disgusted at her actions. In the end, she got no help, because she would not believe she was doing was wrong. However they found a new, warmhearted supporter to help them through, and they lived happy together.
If she was just open about herself, honest about her life, expressed freely with emotion, she wouldn’t have to have been a bad sorceress. . . she could have been cherished and loved.”

“What have you learn from the story. . . Loki? Thor?” She would asked us.

“You should always be open and learn to trust others,” Thor would say. He always made her smile.

“She was just doing the wrong spells.” I know I was too smart for my own good. Thor may have made her smile, but I made her laugh.

14 Day Writing Challenge: Day 13 What do I love. . .

Day 13 writing something that I love

I three thinks that I really love

Friends and family

I wish I could win the lottery, so I can show them all that they have done for me. I just do not feel that words do enough. I would love to take them on a cruise.

The other day, I was visiting my dad, stepmom, and my brothers. I ripped the side of my shoe (my feet are so wide, I had blow out.) My brother went off and bought me socks and shoes. It was so sweet. (He will not even talk to his real mom, he said that I and our stepmom have raised him. They do feel not just like brothers, but my own kids.)

My stepmom bought me breakfast and lunch (two different days) just to see how I was doing. She also understood my anxiety and depression and is helping me find the right doctors.

I also love my boyfriend. For a long time he was the only one you understood me. We usually see things eye to eye. He supports me and writes with me. He also edit most of my books.

I have few friends, but I expected to get that way as I gotten older. It’s just lonely. Everyone seems to have their own kids with their own lives.

Cats

I love my four legged, purring fur babies. I love how they are independent, but they want love from you. They cuddle when you sleep, and purr in your ear. When I am holding a cat, I feel more relaxed.

I have learned that each cat has their own personality. They have can have health or mental issues. My last car Momo has anxiety when we would leave. (I’m glad she had a new house with another cat, I think that is what she needed.)

I just hope I can get a house soon, so I can have my cats.

Writing

There is no feeling like hours on hours of writing and having a story to show for it. It a creation from the birth of the idea all the way to the publication (whether it be a book or a blog). I feel like each project is my baby. . . . some struggle more than others, but each piece help me express myself through plot and characters.

I can clean the entire house, organize my computer, fix everyone problems, make a seven course meal with dessert, eat, visit friends/family, and clean up the kitchen, but if I did not write, then I do not feel productive.

14 Day Challenge Day 12: Short Story: Beach

Day 12 Write a short story. Beach

Rebekah Wolveire © 2015

She walked on the beach to get away from her stressful life. She allowed the waves to take away all of her problems even if it was just for those few moments. She thought she what looked like the water rushing over a huge pile of sand, but as she walked closer. . . as she walked closer, she noticed more details and saw it was a man sleeping in the sand. She rushed over and the first thing she noticed about him was his eyes. The bright blue irises reminded her of the water blending into the sky at the horizon took her breath away.

“Hi.” She could barely get the word out, while she let her hand out to help him up.

“Hi. Do you know me?” He was hesitant to grab her hand.

“You look familiar. I thought you needed help.” She sighed.

“Just be careful, not all people are so nice.” She helped him up.

“I’m Jesse.” She felt she could trust him. She felt she could tell him anything, and he would just keep her secret in the sea of blue deep in his eyes.

“I’m Jonathan.” He smiled, and she got nervous, but in an exiting way. They walked along the beach for hours. They talked openly. They laughed carelessly. They played tag like kids. Their feet running in the damp sand. They forgot life for a while. They needed each other even if it was just for that one moment.

Then in one moment of frozen time, their lips connected. The world could ended, but neither one would have cared, they had the complete intimate connection. Then the sublime day stopped sudden once he said. . .

“Damn, I need to go home,” he frowned.

“Where do you live? I’ll walk you home.” She offered not wanting to go back to her own life yet, and she was hoping for another amazing kiss.

“No, I’ll be fine. You should go.” She didn’t understand the complete change of heart. He could see tears forming in her eyes.

“Look, I just want you have this great moment of me. I want you to always think of me when you go the beach. So please just go, and smile for me, okay?” He kissed her on the cheek. She let him walk away until she could barely see him anymore. She didn’t want to go back to the quiet house with low hours at works and bills piling up.

Sad, she kicked around the sand to find a wallet. She opened it to see his face on the ID. She ran toward the direction he had walked in, but no one was there. She looked at the address on his ID and decided to return his wallet.

It was just two streets away from the beach. She needed the walk.

The address matched a white sided house with a small wooden fence around the side. There were red, yellow, and pink rose bushes in front of the porch. She walked up the stairs, knocked on the door, and sighed. She was hoping he would be at the door to greet him with a great embrace.

An older woman answered the door, her eyes were just as blue as his, but her face had miles of stress over it.

“Hi, I wanted to give Jonathan back his wallet.” Jesse has so much hope and joy in her voice. She could see afternoon teas with Jonathan’s mother talking about how him as a child. She could see how their life together would be so great.

“I really don’t know how to tell you this. . .” Jesse’s day dreaming instantly stopped. Jesse didn’t speak, but she just watch the older woman’s bleak expression.

“Please come in.” She explained. Jesse was hesitant, but she wanted an answer. She followed the older lady.

“Please sit down. Would you like some tea?” Jesse smiled, sat down, but declined the tea.

“I’m sorry, but my son, Jonathan, is dead. Has been for twelve years today?” She noticed her cat calendar. Jesse was speechless, but his mother could see the endless questions in the young girl’s teal eyes.

“He was helping a young woman at the beach, and he hit his head in the water, trying to help her. It was an accident.” She poured herself some tea.

“Are you sure?” She offered again. Jesse wanted something stronger. Her eyes scanned the living room filled with pictures of the young man and his mother. There was on with him and a cat; it made her smile.

“I have been getting a different girl each year, and each one needs something.” The aged lady paused. . .

“What is it that you need, dear?”

“It’s was last year when I lost my cat. I miss him dearly.” She knew that bills will always be there and eventually she will get another job, she really missed her tuxedo cat whiskers. The older woman excused herself for a moment.

“Maybe that is why this kitty kept coming back to my porch?” She had a large black and white cat.

“Oh my God, this is Whiskers. I can’t believe you found him.” She was so excited that she hugged the old woman. She saw how lonely the old woman seemed. She gave the woman the wallet and agreed to visit. Jesse kept her word.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This story was inspired by Jonathan Brandis RIP

14 Day Challenge Day 11: Defunked

14 day Challenge: Day 11 Writing what is on my mind

(This happened in June)

I tried to watch a movie called “Side Effects’ on Sunday. It was about a woman who was depressed and got meds, but they had a side effect of sleep walking. . . well her husband wouldn’t leave her alone, and she stabbed him. I just could not finish the movie.

This movie is the only thing I think could have given me an panic attack. . . I had extreme sense of doom, my chest got heavy, my head began to pound, and I was just scared. Then I tried to see if I could chat with anyone, but like usual when I need to chat no one was online. So I just went to bed, sleep usually helps, but I woke up with the same sense of doom.

What is wrong with me?

I wrote this on one of the many sites I use to post my writings, and be social. It’s called Experience Project. I used to love Facebook, but then too many women my age got pregnant and/or book deals, and it just made me more depressed seeing what I didn’t have. Experience Project allowed me to write stories and compare to others experiences.

Anyway this is not about what social groups I like. This is about my anxiety, and what it is doing to my body. I’ve been having chest pains, headaches, stomach issues, and I have been constantly tired, exhausted.

I’ve have been so excite about making food for myself, and I have not been able to enjoy my food this week. . .. queasiness, nausea, indigestion, I feel full after a few bites (it feels like I did when I had mono.) What sucks is that food was my last thing I was truly excited about next to my writing, and now I feel like I am losing it. . . I go to a doctor and they will tell me to lose weight. . . or on a special diet.

I gave up my cat, I have no sex drive, art isn’t as appealing to me anymore, TV is same old, same old, and it’s hard to focus on my writing when I feel like crap. Cooking and baking were a few things I looked forward too. . . I enjoy food. However I feel like my body is against me. . . what is going on?

Note: Check out the blog on it is like to deal with anxiety and depression. https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

(Now end of July)

My stepmom (first of all, there is a different between a stepmother and stepmom. Stepmother are mean and make you feel bad about yourself. Stepmom wish and act like your real mom. . . they make sure you are safe, but give you room to grow.) my stepmom has helped me get out of the house and face my anxiety and depression head on. I know many of my triggers, but I still feel anxious, but I just feel so much better with someone who understands and actually tries to help.

I have had a really good week, I know I have to go back home, but I really do not want to. I have been just so stressed, I feel like it’s creeping up on me just knowing that I have to go back. I have been avoiding my roommates, and I have just do NOT feel at home at the address that we are currently staying. I feel more more at home on my dad’s and stepmom’s couch, under their rules than in a room we rented.

I even get anxious when my stepmom had to take someone else to a few appointments. I will admit I am the jealous type, but it was more with anxiety. I finally found someone who said that they will help me, and I do NOT want to lose that. I am just plain scared. It seems today all I want to do is cry. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety or depression even on my enemy.

It’s like. . .

Doctor appointments
Me: I need help. I know someone who understands this and is willing to help me. Let work on that as soon as we can.
Depression: Why would she help you? She is just saying this to keep her guy (my dad) happy. They all want to control you. . . first they are nice, and once you’re in it will be “Do this! Do that! Don’t do that! Don’t write! You have to clean. You have to do errands. You have to go to bed by 10pm. You have to get up by 8am. Leave the cats alone.”
Me: Stop it, it is not like that.
Depression: Come on, isn’t she just too nice?
Me: Can’t someone just be nice?
Anxiety: She is a nice lady. I like the kitties.
Depression: She is just using her niceness to get what she wants. She doesn’t want you touching the kitties.
Me: Shut up.
Depression: No Help. No Kitties.
Anxiety: But I like the kitties. (Cries and runs and hides)
Me: Well, at least she is not overwhelmed.
Depression: It doesn’t matter, good luck getting away from me.
I am determined to get a doctor appointment within the few weeks.

Doing Errands
Me: Did you want to stay here or do go out and do errands?
Depression: She doesn’t want you going out. She is replacing you with others. You will be invisible as soon as you go home.
Me: She will remember me. I am related to her.
Depression: No, you are nothing.
Me: (wants to cry, swallows tears) NO. I am going to the doctor soon and I will figure out a way to get you to shut up.
Anxiety: Kitties?
Depression: Kitties ran away, because they don’t like you.
Anxiety: No kitties?
Me: Shut up, the cat sleep during the day.
Depression: Whatever.
Me: (stay busy looking at places on computer.)
Depression: Why bother? You know you’re stuck. You have no other place you can go. You helpless, fat whiny, useless b*tch. Are you going to cry now?
Me: (Swallow tears): No, I am not going to take it.
Been depressed all day. Playing Shadowrun (futuristic D&D RPG) just to avoid my depression.

I need to go play some games and stop focusing on my depression.

14 Day Challenge Day 10 Write a Letter to your future self

14 day writing Challenge; Day 10 write a letter to my future self. . .

Dear Rebekah (In the Future)

First of all, I am sending you hope. (I know what it is like to lose it.)
I hope you are always fed.
I hope you also have cuddly cats that purr in your ear.
I hope you always have the bills paid.
I hope you stay close to your family.
I hope you enjoy the little things in life. (Enjoy food and smell the roses.)
I hope you always laugh. (You and I know you can start to deal once you let yourself laugh.)
Most of all I hope you are happy; always be happy. Only you can control what makes you happy. (You can NOT control anyone else or make them happy.)

Secondly, family is important.

Even if you argue, not feel good enough, or just want something different, your family will still love you. (Just remember shoes. . . you and I will both know what that means.)
Set aside your pride, if you need something, your family will be there.
If you can help someone, then help. . . remember what your parents taught you.
Remember sometimes just a text will make someone’s day.

Thirdly, if you have kid(s). . .

Let them learn and be who they need to be. (Please do not have plans for them, let them figure out who they are. Chances are they are going to be stubborn if you push.)
The word “No,” it okay to say. Your job is to keep them safe and healthy until they are old enough to do it themselves. . . then you are too invested.
A parent is an unseen hero: they do what they have to do regardless. Your kids will not appreciate this until they have kids.
However if you do not have kids, then find out what it is that fate wants you to do. Let fate decide, they are bigger than you.

Fourthly, you are meant for big things!

You are smart.
You are a good person.
You are generous.
You are helpful.
You can learn new things.
You are determined.
You will get things done.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO.
YOU WILL FINISH YOUR WRITING PROJECTS.
YOU WILL GET MONEY FOR WORKING ON A BLOG.
IF YOU WANT IT DONE, THEN JUST DO IT!
You know you can.

Sincerely

Your Old Self

PS My stepmom (the one with my name), that has really help me to get out and get a better outlook. Greatly appreciated.

I just need to rant

I will say I am sorry now if I will sound snippy, rude or just plain bitchy. I started my day out with a crappy shower. I was in the middle of the shower and the water pressure just cuts out, but no one wants to admitting to starting the damn washer. (Anyway, long story short, there just so many people in and out of this house, my anxiety is usually through the roof, and I feel like I am locked in this room.)

I’ve been trying to find an online job, because one, I need money so we can get our own house, and two, I have social anxiety and other physical issues so bad that a normal job will not last. (I know I should see a doctor, but the last three doctors I have seen, all we just asses.)
I also know I need a job, so I have at least a little bit to go out for myself. It helps my sanity when I can go a small lunch and shopping spree. . . even if it is the dollar store or if I am buying pant and I have Mc Donald dollar menu. (However this month, a huge chuck of our money is going to a friend’s birthday, who we can’t even see, because of her jealous, rude, and brat of baby daddy . . . long story, just really frustrated that her birthday is over my sanity.)

I just feel like I am everyone’s second place. . . the worst part I think I am even second place in my own life. . . I just such a dumb-ass people pleaser that I don’t even consider myself first ever. I thought I was someone’ first, until they realized there are “better” people out there. . . I guess. Whatever. When I get my house, I am getting my two cats: Loki (female) and Thor (male) and they will have kittens. They will both be cuddly and love me. . . they will be my family. Humans suck.

I am sitting here writing this and playing Candy Crush Soda Saga. . . I have a to-do so long that it full page, and I am just motivated.

The last two times I have worked on finding an online job, I have burnt myself out (the last time I slept 11 hours, I was so drained). . . So I wanted to post this first. . . I am so sick of the 12 minute videos promising you millions, great houses, slick cars, perfect vacations so on and so forth. . . they do not exist. Whenever I get one of those video, I research the name of the company and the e-mails that send it. If scam pop ups on my google search, they get dropped. If I cannot find anything on their e-mail, it gets dropped.
Last night I got an 20 minute of a guy Mike Dee promising to bring down the “Big Scammers” with his loop-hole software, but I had to list to his entire story where he spent thousands of dollars into those scams (why didn’t he just use the thousands of dollars for his bills?) Anyway, it took 20 minutes for him to charge me $97 and then take $70 off. . . yes 27 dollars, but for $27 I can plan a menu for at least 5 days. However I am seeking an online job in which does not have me illegally using software or listening to stupid people bitch at me, because I do not have anxiety/stress control for that. I’m also worried about: how do you claim taxes with those scams if they worked?
What really just pisses me off is when you get an e-mail for one job, and the links send you somewhere else. . . shouldn’t this be legal?
“Mr. IRS, Sir, I didn’t sell anything, I just posted my webpage, made by that company, and the next day I was making money.” <—I kind of think if you can’t explain to the IRS, then chances are it’s a scam.
I am also pissed off that they keep pushing the college. If I could afford it (which at this point, I cannot), I wouldn’t mind taking a few online classes so I can get a Bachelor in hospitality/travel and become a travel agent.

In ideal world . . . I would have one of these three jobs or I would manage all three . . .
1. I would be an assistant for some rich, generous, and eccentric guru who can do complicated thing, but forget things like tying his shoes. I would work on scheduling and help him in crisis. (I would be like his guardian angel in the flesh). I would make a lot of money for it.
2. I would be a travel agent who gets paid to vacation and sell locations like Hawaii and the Caribbean islands.
3. I would want to be the famous author before I die like JK Rowling or Anne Rice or Stephen King.

Red Ruby Shoes. . . no place like Home

It’s different. . .

When I lived at my mom’s house we could leave our doors unlocked.
Now I have to lock my bedroom door.

I was the alphadog in my mom’s house, so to speak.
Now I feel like Tom is the only one who listens to me. I hate blending in.

Everyone communicated with each other at my mom’s house to point where it annoyed me.
Now everyone scatters and no one has an idea what the other person is doing.

I had several pets who all affectionate.
We can’t have pets here, and it feels lonely. I feel disconnected to the animal kingdom.

Personal/ family drama didn’t last very long.
However the drama just seems more intense here. . . like it gets under everyone’s nerve.

More people seemed layed back (I was the only one who seem aggressive).
Now it just seems everyone is aggressive and violent here.

I felt secure of my work and talent.
Here just feesl like it can drop at any moment.

I just I am just homesick.

Levels of Heaven

Nirvana Vs Hell

Ten Levels of Happiness

Level 1

A really good candy bar

Hugs

Playing with my cat (with claws)

Writing a list

Level 2

Writing 100-200 words

Enjoying a soda

Innocent Day dreaming

Watching mindless Sitcoms

Making my favorite meal

Level 3

Ice cream (non chocolate)

Writing up to 400 words

Bad Sex

Having 20 minutes to myself

Writing a personal blog

Baking when I have too (non chocolate)

Winning under 10 dollars on lottery

Level 4

Coupons/Sales on my favorite products

Having at least an hour to myself

Shopping with 5 buck for myself

Buy a candle that I want/need

Writing a whole page or a good poem

Getting things for free

Level 5

Kissing

Playing with my cat (purring without claws)

Receiving e-mails that are not spam

Receiving response to my facebook stuff

Writing up to 1000 words

Watching my favorite show

Going on facebook with no one pushing their kids

Blasting my favorite music

Playing Sims

Level 6

Cuddling

Cola Slushy

Receiving mail that is not junk or bills

Releasing myself in my writing

Writing 1500 words

Helping someone who is grateful

2-3 hours to myself

Writing a blog about writing/editing

Baking anything Chocolate

Cooking something new

Level 7

Receiving response to my blog

Good Sex

Winning more than 10 dollar on lottery

Writing a decent short story (1-5 pages or up to 2500 words)

Candle time (without any doubts or interruptions from others)

Eating my favorite meal

Sims achievement

Level 8

Ice Cream (Chocolate)

Guilty Day Dreams

A back massage

Time where I am really artistic

An afternoon to myself

Making my own picture/video character projects

Going on facebook where no one is pushing their ten publishings or their kids

Knowing help make someone else happy

Writing a short story or a chapter in one setting

Having some pie

Dinning out (fast food)

Level 9

A foot massage

Awesome sex

A clean house (especially when I don’t have to clean it)

A clean bathroom

Finishing a book or story that I had set a side.

German Chocolate, Dark Forrest, ice cream, or Cheesecake (all Cakes)

Dinning out (Buffet)

Level 10

An awesome book review on any of my work (4-5 star)

Saying I inspired someone or that they want to read more

A full body massage, spending time on my thighs

Mind blowing sex (Fantasy/fetish/or anything so go you lose your breath or crawl up                              the ceiling.)

Writing a story/ poem/ chapter/scene and not rushing it, but allowing to flow (not                          worried about time.

A day or more for myself

Being creative for days, weeks, months in a row, (productive in my writing)

Dinning out (Actual sit-down restaurant)