14 Day Challenge Day 11: Defunked

14 day Challenge: Day 11 Writing what is on my mind

(This happened in June)

I tried to watch a movie called “Side Effects’ on Sunday. It was about a woman who was depressed and got meds, but they had a side effect of sleep walking. . . well her husband wouldn’t leave her alone, and she stabbed him. I just could not finish the movie.

This movie is the only thing I think could have given me an panic attack. . . I had extreme sense of doom, my chest got heavy, my head began to pound, and I was just scared. Then I tried to see if I could chat with anyone, but like usual when I need to chat no one was online. So I just went to bed, sleep usually helps, but I woke up with the same sense of doom.

What is wrong with me?

I wrote this on one of the many sites I use to post my writings, and be social. It’s called Experience Project. I used to love Facebook, but then too many women my age got pregnant and/or book deals, and it just made me more depressed seeing what I didn’t have. Experience Project allowed me to write stories and compare to others experiences.

Anyway this is not about what social groups I like. This is about my anxiety, and what it is doing to my body. I’ve been having chest pains, headaches, stomach issues, and I have been constantly tired, exhausted.

I’ve have been so excite about making food for myself, and I have not been able to enjoy my food this week. . .. queasiness, nausea, indigestion, I feel full after a few bites (it feels like I did when I had mono.) What sucks is that food was my last thing I was truly excited about next to my writing, and now I feel like I am losing it. . . I go to a doctor and they will tell me to lose weight. . . or on a special diet.

I gave up my cat, I have no sex drive, art isn’t as appealing to me anymore, TV is same old, same old, and it’s hard to focus on my writing when I feel like crap. Cooking and baking were a few things I looked forward too. . . I enjoy food. However I feel like my body is against me. . . what is going on?

Note: Check out the blog on it is like to deal with anxiety and depression. https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

(Now end of July)

My stepmom (first of all, there is a different between a stepmother and stepmom. Stepmother are mean and make you feel bad about yourself. Stepmom wish and act like your real mom. . . they make sure you are safe, but give you room to grow.) my stepmom has helped me get out of the house and face my anxiety and depression head on. I know many of my triggers, but I still feel anxious, but I just feel so much better with someone who understands and actually tries to help.

I have had a really good week, I know I have to go back home, but I really do not want to. I have been just so stressed, I feel like it’s creeping up on me just knowing that I have to go back. I have been avoiding my roommates, and I have just do NOT feel at home at the address that we are currently staying. I feel more more at home on my dad’s and stepmom’s couch, under their rules than in a room we rented.

I even get anxious when my stepmom had to take someone else to a few appointments. I will admit I am the jealous type, but it was more with anxiety. I finally found someone who said that they will help me, and I do NOT want to lose that. I am just plain scared. It seems today all I want to do is cry. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety or depression even on my enemy.

It’s like. . .

Doctor appointments
Me: I need help. I know someone who understands this and is willing to help me. Let work on that as soon as we can.
Depression: Why would she help you? She is just saying this to keep her guy (my dad) happy. They all want to control you. . . first they are nice, and once you’re in it will be “Do this! Do that! Don’t do that! Don’t write! You have to clean. You have to do errands. You have to go to bed by 10pm. You have to get up by 8am. Leave the cats alone.”
Me: Stop it, it is not like that.
Depression: Come on, isn’t she just too nice?
Me: Can’t someone just be nice?
Anxiety: She is a nice lady. I like the kitties.
Depression: She is just using her niceness to get what she wants. She doesn’t want you touching the kitties.
Me: Shut up.
Depression: No Help. No Kitties.
Anxiety: But I like the kitties. (Cries and runs and hides)
Me: Well, at least she is not overwhelmed.
Depression: It doesn’t matter, good luck getting away from me.
I am determined to get a doctor appointment within the few weeks.

Doing Errands
Me: Did you want to stay here or do go out and do errands?
Depression: She doesn’t want you going out. She is replacing you with others. You will be invisible as soon as you go home.
Me: She will remember me. I am related to her.
Depression: No, you are nothing.
Me: (wants to cry, swallows tears) NO. I am going to the doctor soon and I will figure out a way to get you to shut up.
Anxiety: Kitties?
Depression: Kitties ran away, because they don’t like you.
Anxiety: No kitties?
Me: Shut up, the cat sleep during the day.
Depression: Whatever.
Me: (stay busy looking at places on computer.)
Depression: Why bother? You know you’re stuck. You have no other place you can go. You helpless, fat whiny, useless b*tch. Are you going to cry now?
Me: (Swallow tears): No, I am not going to take it.
Been depressed all day. Playing Shadowrun (futuristic D&D RPG) just to avoid my depression.

I need to go play some games and stop focusing on my depression.

This what is it like with depression and anxiety

I saw this video and it make me think if made my depression and anxiety into their own characters. Living with Depression: Buzzfeed

Day with Depression and Anxiety. . .

I wanted to show what is it like to be with depression and anxiety. . . I made them characters. . .  Depression is like a older b*tch who doesn’t get alone with anyone. Anxiety is like a little kid worried about everything.
I’ll show what is like to deal with them with daily issues. . . I describe depression as a bully, a monster, a hormone, but it is not just a thought or choice. Anxiety is the constant what if in my head that never seems to shut up. They are not switches that we can turn on and off. In fact, there is no off switch for mine, at times the only a reset button if I slept long and hard enough.

Wake up
Me: I need to pee.
Depression: You want to go back to sleep. The bed is warm and comfy.
Anxiety: If you don’t go to bathroom, you might have an accident or damage organs. (Yes, my Anxiety is that paranoid).
Action: Goes to the bathroom, because I do not want an accident. 

Shower Attempt 1
Me: I should take a shower. I always feel better after a shower.
Depression: Why take a shower? Then you have more laundry. Remember your last shower, two minutes in and someone turned on the washer. . . no damn water pressure. Beside where are you going?
Anxiety: We are going some where. . . Oh Sh*t.. . what if we have an accident? What if we lose our ID? What if we get into a car accident? F^ck! No Shower! Go Back to bed.
Action: Sits in bed plays facebook games.

Errands
Me: I have to go to bank, pay the cable, and go grocery shopping.
Depression: * whines * But why do we have to go out, the bed is nice and warm. You love your computer and air-conditioned room. You know you want to play endless, meaningless games.
Anxiety: Are we really going out? What if we get into an accident? What if there is confrontation? What if we get left someone where? I am not feeling well. * Makes my stomach nauseous *
Action: Take a deep breath and goes to the car

In Car going to bank
Me: * Reevaluates what we need for everything for the twentieth time * (Note: Not OCD, I just add my numbers more than once to get them right)
Depression: When can we get home? I do not like the sun; it makes the car too warm. I want to go to bed . . . Screw the world!
Anxiety: Are we going too fast? They clipped the corner too hard. Do we have to talk? Why is he sleeping (My boyfriend has fallen asleep a few times). What if all of the prices go up? What if we forget something? What if we don’t get the right money?
Action: Breathing heavy staring out of the window

Writing Attempt 1
Me: I need to finish my fan fiction and get it posted.
Depression: What is the point. . . you’re not going to make it as a writer anyway. Meyer is still better than you. (By the way, I am Anne Rice fan, and I do NOT think vampire should sparkle or stare at 17 year old girls in their sleep. . . stalker creepy.)
Anxiety: What if you really do stink? We all know your grammar and spelling are bad. Maybe we should just play Sim or this facebook game looks fun.
Action: Writes two lines of a blog while chatting with perverts who pretend to care.

Shower Attempt 2
Me: I need a shower. I feel hot and sticky.
Depression: Just turn up the a/c and spray some perfume. Who are you trying to please anyway? Your boyfriend? He is too busy with a computer screen. Some guy online who really only want to see your boobs. Look, you are only on level 110 of Candy Crush. . . you know you want to go higher.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere? Why do we need a shower? Do we smell? Is something wrong?
Action: Puts on extra spray and deodorant and chats online.

Job Search
Me: I need more money.
Depression: Why? So you can spend it on endless bills? I tell you they never end.
Me: We need to get our own house.
Anxiety: I want a kitty.
Depression: More money wasted.
Opens e-mail. . .
Anxiety: That is a lot of e-mail. (Screams, and hides in pillow and blanket fort).
Goes through all old e-mail and deleted dated stuff.
Depression: Why are we doing this? You really want a nap. Your dream world is better than this. Reality sucks so bad!
Half way through the first application.
Depression: Do you really think you can do that job? Are you really qualified?
Action; Saves application and plays Cookie Jam.

Doctor issues
Me: I need to see the doctor. (writes list of symptoms)
Depression: Why bother? Unless you want another doctor to yell at you, call you a child and laugh behind your back. Maybe you’ll get one that will make you cry. What if you are sick, then what? Is your boyfriend going to want to take time out of prime life to take care of you? Really? All you do is cry and yell at him, who would love a person like that.
Anxiety: Are you sick? (Upsets stomach with worry, make nauseous.) What is wrong? Are we pregnant? Do we have an infection? Oh, My goddesh, We have cancer? Are we going to die?
Action: Looks up symptoms online. . . points it’s UTI (cranberry juice and old antibiotics)

I need to get out
Me: I need to get out and do something.
Depression: But you are only on 118 of Candy Crush. You need to talk to all of those people on EP, you know that they “care” about you. (Sarcasm)
Me: Are you being Sarcastic?
Depression: No, you are such an interesting person. Everyone wants to get to know you.
Me: Quit being a jerk.
Depression: Why? You are invisible.
Text friends, but all of have plans. . .
Depression: See told you. You are invisible.
Anxiety: (Sighs in relief): It’s ok. It’s better this way. . . we might have had an accident or freaked out.
Action: Plays Sims and takes a nap.

Shower Attempt 3
Me: My hair is greasy. I need a shower.
Depression: No you don’t, grease is good for the hair.
Me: No, I feel dirty. I need a shower.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere?
Me: No, I am just dirty.
Anxiety: Okay. (goes back to coloring)
Depression: You want to go back to bed.
Me: My hair is nasty.
Action: I take a shower two hours later, because someone was doing laundry.

My depression also twists the words of others. . .
My boyfriend: I love you, hun, but can you give me a minute. (He had to get a drink of water.)
Me: Yeah.
Depression: He doesn’t love you: he is just saying that to keep you calm. You always be second in his life. . . loves his xbox 360, chatting, and yeah his water, his glorious water. You are just thing to do thing for him. However he could do them on his own, he is just accustomed of you doing them.
Anxiety: Oh my god, he is going to leave me. I don’t drink enough water. I am not worthy enough.
By the time he comes back I am in tears. He had no idea how exactly twisted my thoughts had gotten.

My boyfriend’s computer beeps (facebook chat)
Me: What are you talking about?
My Boyfriend: We are working on the storyline about two comic book characters that more people know because of the movies and we are working on own story for them. (This is generalized by the way.)
Depression: * Laughs * They are plotting how much better life would be without you . . . Food would taste better. Sex would feel better. The world would generally be happier without you. Every time that chimes it just means it’s another paragraph of how better the world is WITHOUT you!
Anxiety: I am not worthy, why? What did I do?
Depression: Remembered when he wanted to do something and you say “no?”
Anxiety: Maybe
Depression: You lost your dignity and worthiness then, b*tch. That is why he goes online, because he doesn’t want to be with you.
Me: BOTH OH YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!
And I usually up snapping at him or crying.

Back to your Show after this message. . .

I’m sorry I kind of had a pause in my 14 day challenge. . . long story short I had a panic attack on Sunday night. Today was really good, my chest pain stopped, and I finally got to go out and shop. It was nice, I got some new colored pen to write in my diary. I wrote a lot in there yesterday, and it helped somewhat.

So today was starting out a good day, but then something hit a trigger, I just found out someone I knew is having their third kid, but they can’t treat their first two right. They hit them, yell at them, and send them off to different places so they can party on the weekends. I just want to be able to have a kid. . . at least that is what my hormones say. . . I don’t smoke, drink, or party every weekend. I always put other in front of myself. What kills me that is my body goes through weeks, months of pregnancy symptoms at least once a year. (Last year, I had intern yell at me, tell me I had STD (which I did NOT), and then had two indifferent doctors careless about my situation . . . only to find out it was an infection). Why go through three-months of pregnancy symptoms only to be depressed when I bladder or kidney infection. . . Then I get a depression and the only way I get better is to get deep into my writing. I’ve been in a horrible writer’s block for the last 7 to 8 months minus a few fan-fiction pieces here and there.

Not to mention my C key broke, I had to glue it, and now it sticks and works when it wants to. Thank God for spell check.

I have three pieces started (Days 8, 9, and 10). . . one of which I get more detailed about my panic attack. I hope to get them posted over the weekend. I also want to work on my own personal diary, a notebook for a future therapist, and I have two fan-fiction (Loki, Thor, and Jane) to get typed and posted on my fan-fiction page. https://www.fanfiction.net/~rebekahwriter13

I eventually want to write a few Revenge and Supernatual Fan-fictions as well. So look for those. . . .

Also check out my other blog http;//rebekahWolveire.wordpress.com