I’m stronger. . .

I’ve always tried to be a positive, hopeful person. I’ve even had moments of happiness and perkiness.

However I’ve had a lot of scary things happen to me. . . Since I survive them, I’m only stronger for it.

My strength is in my family and my spirituality. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/im-a-very-spiritual-person/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/
19. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? The scariest?

I’m going to count down from bad to worst. . . (Note: there are a few situations that should be on this list but I do not want to talk about at this moment, my strength is not that high.)

The three incidents I can talk about are. . .

3. I had to drop a class for college. (Sometimes, a college student just puts too much on their schedule, my guidance counselor said dozens students walk her into office daily to drop or change schedule or major. It was okay and normal.)

It was a major course for my music major. I had a plan, perform get an Associate of Arts and get grants and such with my musical performances and perform for a while and eventually teach music. I probably had my first 15 years of my adult life planned out.

I knew I was struggling with playing one piece and singing another. I did all of my professors suggestion and I kept wanting to sing what I would play.
However I went to the doctors and realized I had inner ear problems. I knew I had ear issues, but the doctors said as a kid my hearing was fine. However my many ear aches, infections, and swimmer’ s ear caught up with me. My right hears worst than my right.

I was told by my professor to drop the course. It was not fair for her to spend so much time on me when I was no going improve. It was harsh for me to hear. (No pun intended.)

Without the course, I could not be a music major. SIGH!

So with dropping the course, I was also changing my major.

The silver lining was that several semesters last I discovered that writing easily took over my passion of music. I do now have an Associate of Arts.

2. My parents divorced when I was 8 . . . They only lived a city away. I lived with dad Monday through Friday. I saw my mom Friday night to Sunday.

I knew both loved me ( and still do.) However it torn in pieces when I would see one as I would worry over the other. Felt like I was hurting one, if I mentioned the other.

Truthfully be told, they are both very capable adults and can take care of themselves. They are good people, when they are on their own, doing their own thing. I will admit at one time, they lived each other, but I know that they love me. That is all that counts.

1. This last one is pretty hard of me. . . Sometime I even blame myself because I wasn’t paying attention to all of her bills.

Long story, short due to so much debt, we lost my grandma’s house.

When I moved in with my mom, she was working full time, so my brother and I helped my grandma out. My brother cooked a lit for her. I took over her main budgeting as she own every utility. . . I got her main bills out of the red in 18 months. I’m still very proud of that accomplishment. (However some desperate credit union had conned my grandma into a 30 year old mortgage before I moved in. Even I know you don’t give a 30 year mortgage to a 70 year old. Sighs.)

My grandma got robbed by her roofers, the only thing she got out of 30k was new windows. Anyway, I got it so that she could pay everything and still go to bingo.

In 2009, she passed away. The problem was she had over 10,000 dollars of medical debt as her two insurance barely covered anything. According to three lawyers, in order to get to the estates, we would have to had paid all of her medical bills. (She also used all of her life insurance, church and burial service helped with that as we had used them for several friends and family members.)

For years, we tried to talk and even paid the mortage to stay at the house, but because it belonged to the deceased, we could not access it. In 2014, we lost the house.

The thing it wasn’t just a worn-down house on peaceful land. . . It was mre than years of memories. . . It was my comfort. . . It was my security. . . It was my home! I have not been the same since we lost it.

I am stronger than I know, but I wish I could get it back, but it has been knocked down. I would love to get some money, come up with some blue prints and make a new house there.

I just need to rant

I will say I am sorry now if I will sound snippy, rude or just plain bitchy. I started my day out with a crappy shower. I was in the middle of the shower and the water pressure just cuts out, but no one wants to admitting to starting the damn washer. (Anyway, long story short, there just so many people in and out of this house, my anxiety is usually through the roof, and I feel like I am locked in this room.)

I’ve been trying to find an online job, because one, I need money so we can get our own house, and two, I have social anxiety and other physical issues so bad that a normal job will not last. (I know I should see a doctor, but the last three doctors I have seen, all we just asses.)
I also know I need a job, so I have at least a little bit to go out for myself. It helps my sanity when I can go a small lunch and shopping spree. . . even if it is the dollar store or if I am buying pant and I have Mc Donald dollar menu. (However this month, a huge chuck of our money is going to a friend’s birthday, who we can’t even see, because of her jealous, rude, and brat of baby daddy . . . long story, just really frustrated that her birthday is over my sanity.)

I just feel like I am everyone’s second place. . . the worst part I think I am even second place in my own life. . . I just such a dumb-ass people pleaser that I don’t even consider myself first ever. I thought I was someone’ first, until they realized there are “better” people out there. . . I guess. Whatever. When I get my house, I am getting my two cats: Loki (female) and Thor (male) and they will have kittens. They will both be cuddly and love me. . . they will be my family. Humans suck.

I am sitting here writing this and playing Candy Crush Soda Saga. . . I have a to-do so long that it full page, and I am just motivated.

The last two times I have worked on finding an online job, I have burnt myself out (the last time I slept 11 hours, I was so drained). . . So I wanted to post this first. . . I am so sick of the 12 minute videos promising you millions, great houses, slick cars, perfect vacations so on and so forth. . . they do not exist. Whenever I get one of those video, I research the name of the company and the e-mails that send it. If scam pop ups on my google search, they get dropped. If I cannot find anything on their e-mail, it gets dropped.
Last night I got an 20 minute of a guy Mike Dee promising to bring down the “Big Scammers” with his loop-hole software, but I had to list to his entire story where he spent thousands of dollars into those scams (why didn’t he just use the thousands of dollars for his bills?) Anyway, it took 20 minutes for him to charge me $97 and then take $70 off. . . yes 27 dollars, but for $27 I can plan a menu for at least 5 days. However I am seeking an online job in which does not have me illegally using software or listening to stupid people bitch at me, because I do not have anxiety/stress control for that. I’m also worried about: how do you claim taxes with those scams if they worked?
What really just pisses me off is when you get an e-mail for one job, and the links send you somewhere else. . . shouldn’t this be legal?
“Mr. IRS, Sir, I didn’t sell anything, I just posted my webpage, made by that company, and the next day I was making money.” <—I kind of think if you can’t explain to the IRS, then chances are it’s a scam.
I am also pissed off that they keep pushing the college. If I could afford it (which at this point, I cannot), I wouldn’t mind taking a few online classes so I can get a Bachelor in hospitality/travel and become a travel agent.

In ideal world . . . I would have one of these three jobs or I would manage all three . . .
1. I would be an assistant for some rich, generous, and eccentric guru who can do complicated thing, but forget things like tying his shoes. I would work on scheduling and help him in crisis. (I would be like his guardian angel in the flesh). I would make a lot of money for it.
2. I would be a travel agent who gets paid to vacation and sell locations like Hawaii and the Caribbean islands.
3. I would want to be the famous author before I die like JK Rowling or Anne Rice or Stephen King.