14 Day Challenge Day 11: Defunked

14 day Challenge: Day 11 Writing what is on my mind

(This happened in June)

I tried to watch a movie called “Side Effects’ on Sunday. It was about a woman who was depressed and got meds, but they had a side effect of sleep walking. . . well her husband wouldn’t leave her alone, and she stabbed him. I just could not finish the movie.

This movie is the only thing I think could have given me an panic attack. . . I had extreme sense of doom, my chest got heavy, my head began to pound, and I was just scared. Then I tried to see if I could chat with anyone, but like usual when I need to chat no one was online. So I just went to bed, sleep usually helps, but I woke up with the same sense of doom.

What is wrong with me?

I wrote this on one of the many sites I use to post my writings, and be social. It’s called Experience Project. I used to love Facebook, but then too many women my age got pregnant and/or book deals, and it just made me more depressed seeing what I didn’t have. Experience Project allowed me to write stories and compare to others experiences.

Anyway this is not about what social groups I like. This is about my anxiety, and what it is doing to my body. I’ve been having chest pains, headaches, stomach issues, and I have been constantly tired, exhausted.

I’ve have been so excite about making food for myself, and I have not been able to enjoy my food this week. . .. queasiness, nausea, indigestion, I feel full after a few bites (it feels like I did when I had mono.) What sucks is that food was my last thing I was truly excited about next to my writing, and now I feel like I am losing it. . . I go to a doctor and they will tell me to lose weight. . . or on a special diet.

I gave up my cat, I have no sex drive, art isn’t as appealing to me anymore, TV is same old, same old, and it’s hard to focus on my writing when I feel like crap. Cooking and baking were a few things I looked forward too. . . I enjoy food. However I feel like my body is against me. . . what is going on?

Note: Check out the blog on it is like to deal with anxiety and depression. https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

(Now end of July)

My stepmom (first of all, there is a different between a stepmother and stepmom. Stepmother are mean and make you feel bad about yourself. Stepmom wish and act like your real mom. . . they make sure you are safe, but give you room to grow.) my stepmom has helped me get out of the house and face my anxiety and depression head on. I know many of my triggers, but I still feel anxious, but I just feel so much better with someone who understands and actually tries to help.

I have had a really good week, I know I have to go back home, but I really do not want to. I have been just so stressed, I feel like it’s creeping up on me just knowing that I have to go back. I have been avoiding my roommates, and I have just do NOT feel at home at the address that we are currently staying. I feel more more at home on my dad’s and stepmom’s couch, under their rules than in a room we rented.

I even get anxious when my stepmom had to take someone else to a few appointments. I will admit I am the jealous type, but it was more with anxiety. I finally found someone who said that they will help me, and I do NOT want to lose that. I am just plain scared. It seems today all I want to do is cry. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety or depression even on my enemy.

It’s like. . .

Doctor appointments
Me: I need help. I know someone who understands this and is willing to help me. Let work on that as soon as we can.
Depression: Why would she help you? She is just saying this to keep her guy (my dad) happy. They all want to control you. . . first they are nice, and once you’re in it will be “Do this! Do that! Don’t do that! Don’t write! You have to clean. You have to do errands. You have to go to bed by 10pm. You have to get up by 8am. Leave the cats alone.”
Me: Stop it, it is not like that.
Depression: Come on, isn’t she just too nice?
Me: Can’t someone just be nice?
Anxiety: She is a nice lady. I like the kitties.
Depression: She is just using her niceness to get what she wants. She doesn’t want you touching the kitties.
Me: Shut up.
Depression: No Help. No Kitties.
Anxiety: But I like the kitties. (Cries and runs and hides)
Me: Well, at least she is not overwhelmed.
Depression: It doesn’t matter, good luck getting away from me.
I am determined to get a doctor appointment within the few weeks.

Doing Errands
Me: Did you want to stay here or do go out and do errands?
Depression: She doesn’t want you going out. She is replacing you with others. You will be invisible as soon as you go home.
Me: She will remember me. I am related to her.
Depression: No, you are nothing.
Me: (wants to cry, swallows tears) NO. I am going to the doctor soon and I will figure out a way to get you to shut up.
Anxiety: Kitties?
Depression: Kitties ran away, because they don’t like you.
Anxiety: No kitties?
Me: Shut up, the cat sleep during the day.
Depression: Whatever.
Me: (stay busy looking at places on computer.)
Depression: Why bother? You know you’re stuck. You have no other place you can go. You helpless, fat whiny, useless b*tch. Are you going to cry now?
Me: (Swallow tears): No, I am not going to take it.
Been depressed all day. Playing Shadowrun (futuristic D&D RPG) just to avoid my depression.

I need to go play some games and stop focusing on my depression.

Kind of personal: doctor issues

Okay. . . I know with all of the symptoms that I have now. . . I should be seeing a doctor.

(No auntie flo in 18 weeks, depression, exhaustion, headaches, anxiety, ab pressure and soreness, breast soreness, dizziness, and I have to pee a lot. It could be another damn bladder infection (UTI). I do hope it’s pregnancy.)

The last time I had similar issues was last June (2014). I went into the ER. I took a urine test. Then the doctor sent in the intern instead of himself. His first react is “You must be relieved that you aren’t pregnant.” I was so shocked that I was speechless, (if you know me, I am an emotional talker.)

I ask for blood work, he said no. (The think I know that have UTI at least once a year, and kidney issues, but he never even looked into that.) He just wanted me out of there. In fact, I over heard the nurses talking all of the interns were graduating that day.

I ask for blood work again (and I hate needles), and he yelled at me.

Then when he did the exam, he asked me all of the symptoms that the lady next me had and ask her all of my symptoms. We both we confused. Then he had the insensibility to tell me I had STD, and send out tests for that which came out negative. (I have had the same partner for 8 years, and we have both been checked for different things. I know we were cleaned. Did he think I was partying type? )

The problem was that the hospital plastered his face all over their website. I wrote a very nasty letter when they sent a survey.

The actual doctor saw me no more than two minutes and did not let me get a word in edge wise. The doctor said I has an UTI. I knew that but no one figured out why I did not have my female issues for four months (16weeks).

I broke down talking it out with the pharmacist.

They send me to a local clinic in which it took me a week to get an appointment for blood work, and the the doctor there just seem indifferent like she rather be any where else. She looked at me weird when I cried once I saw a picture of a baby (it was hormones, even she should know that). Then it took two weeks to get results to a test that should have been done in hours.
I refuse to go back to the local clinic, because before then that appointment (three years ago, ) I had a nurse there that said gas-trial reflex can cause pregnancy symptoms, and a doctor that told me with my stress level the chance of my keeping a pregnancy is almost impossible.

Why do I keep finding the worst doctors?

Will I ever find a decent doctor? I need to find a decent family doctor so I find a therapist. (Stupid insurance).

I just need to rant

I will say I am sorry now if I will sound snippy, rude or just plain bitchy. I started my day out with a crappy shower. I was in the middle of the shower and the water pressure just cuts out, but no one wants to admitting to starting the damn washer. (Anyway, long story short, there just so many people in and out of this house, my anxiety is usually through the roof, and I feel like I am locked in this room.)

I’ve been trying to find an online job, because one, I need money so we can get our own house, and two, I have social anxiety and other physical issues so bad that a normal job will not last. (I know I should see a doctor, but the last three doctors I have seen, all we just asses.)
I also know I need a job, so I have at least a little bit to go out for myself. It helps my sanity when I can go a small lunch and shopping spree. . . even if it is the dollar store or if I am buying pant and I have Mc Donald dollar menu. (However this month, a huge chuck of our money is going to a friend’s birthday, who we can’t even see, because of her jealous, rude, and brat of baby daddy . . . long story, just really frustrated that her birthday is over my sanity.)

I just feel like I am everyone’s second place. . . the worst part I think I am even second place in my own life. . . I just such a dumb-ass people pleaser that I don’t even consider myself first ever. I thought I was someone’ first, until they realized there are “better” people out there. . . I guess. Whatever. When I get my house, I am getting my two cats: Loki (female) and Thor (male) and they will have kittens. They will both be cuddly and love me. . . they will be my family. Humans suck.

I am sitting here writing this and playing Candy Crush Soda Saga. . . I have a to-do so long that it full page, and I am just motivated.

The last two times I have worked on finding an online job, I have burnt myself out (the last time I slept 11 hours, I was so drained). . . So I wanted to post this first. . . I am so sick of the 12 minute videos promising you millions, great houses, slick cars, perfect vacations so on and so forth. . . they do not exist. Whenever I get one of those video, I research the name of the company and the e-mails that send it. If scam pop ups on my google search, they get dropped. If I cannot find anything on their e-mail, it gets dropped.
Last night I got an 20 minute of a guy Mike Dee promising to bring down the “Big Scammers” with his loop-hole software, but I had to list to his entire story where he spent thousands of dollars into those scams (why didn’t he just use the thousands of dollars for his bills?) Anyway, it took 20 minutes for him to charge me $97 and then take $70 off. . . yes 27 dollars, but for $27 I can plan a menu for at least 5 days. However I am seeking an online job in which does not have me illegally using software or listening to stupid people bitch at me, because I do not have anxiety/stress control for that. I’m also worried about: how do you claim taxes with those scams if they worked?
What really just pisses me off is when you get an e-mail for one job, and the links send you somewhere else. . . shouldn’t this be legal?
“Mr. IRS, Sir, I didn’t sell anything, I just posted my webpage, made by that company, and the next day I was making money.” <—I kind of think if you can’t explain to the IRS, then chances are it’s a scam.
I am also pissed off that they keep pushing the college. If I could afford it (which at this point, I cannot), I wouldn’t mind taking a few online classes so I can get a Bachelor in hospitality/travel and become a travel agent.

In ideal world . . . I would have one of these three jobs or I would manage all three . . .
1. I would be an assistant for some rich, generous, and eccentric guru who can do complicated thing, but forget things like tying his shoes. I would work on scheduling and help him in crisis. (I would be like his guardian angel in the flesh). I would make a lot of money for it.
2. I would be a travel agent who gets paid to vacation and sell locations like Hawaii and the Caribbean islands.
3. I would want to be the famous author before I die like JK Rowling or Anne Rice or Stephen King.

A lot on my mind

I have so much on my mind. . . I cleaned the corner of my room that was driving us both crazy and I hope to finish more tomorrow. I am going to use “my time” to write. It was what I love to do. This picture a collage of what and whom has been inspiring me lately.

I think I need to make a list to be the most productive.

1. Blogs 
Review of Chapter 2
Personal Blogs.

2. Writing
Poems (for Poem book project due Sept)
Flash Fiction Loki/Jane/Thor Innocent
Flash Fiction Loki/Jane/Thor Naughty
Post more for my fanfiction.net https://www.fanfiction.net/~rebekahwriter13

3. Research
Character profiles
Pictures
Rules
Organize Notes
Outline/List (least list what I want in each chapter)

4. Personal
Sleep
Clean
Eat
E-mail people

Sorry it has to be vague.

I wish I could explain everything that happened from the end of February to the second week of March. However I can tell you that I feel that was my fault for being greedy and needy. If I hadn’t freaked out or pushed, then we could have been still experiencing something awesome and most of all, I would still have a friend. I just hope that someday I will have my friend again (they know who they are).

It was an emotional rollercoaster that I almost didn’t ride.

Do I regret the two weeks? No.

Did I ever expect that to happen? No.

Am I glad that it did? Yes.

Do I wish there was more? Yes.

Was it a game? No.

Was it real to me (is still real to me)? Yes (yes).

Do I want to know others feel the same? YES.

What do I want? For that other person to be happy, I just wish that their happiness was/is with me.

What do I want? I want to know how can I get them back.

Am I heartbroken? Yes.

Am I depressed? Yes

Can I sleep? Not very well.

Can I eat? Not very well.

Am I lonely? Yes.

Do I just feel I lost a person who truly understood me? YES.

Do I feel lost without them? Yes.
I wonder if the other side still feels the same or are they brain washed to think that they are okay.

If I ever get the words, I will try to write a fictional story changing the names and tweaking the plot of course. However I am not the same person I was last year, and I vow to do whatever it takes to get my friend back. I miss them so much. I still have plans, dreams, and wishes for this person; I will try my damnedest to make these possibilities.

And I thought Drama Queens were just girls

Okay, this is how it goes. . . we are splitting the cable bill. . . however this drama has gotten deeper than a divided cable bill. It’s about a freeloader who is shacking up with one of the other roommates, who thinks he can control a place he doesn’t even pay rent to. . .

Here’s the thing I feel partically bad for the one roommate, because I think he is threating her if she breaks up with him. He won’t let her tell her side of anything, and he won’t even let her talk to her own best friend by herself. This creep needs to go.

He decided to drag the entire household on an issue that had nothing to do with us or him. Now everyone is fed up with everyone. . . (at first, I thought it was my fault, but they came to me, made me feel cornered and harassed, and then they did the same thing to my fiancé. He pissed me off instead of talking to us together, because I am way more calm with my fiancé by my side. If they had just talked to the right person all of this drama would have not started. . . I was told they just wanted to start something, and to make this more crazy it was blood moon eclipse yesterday.)

The thing is from what I hear that his own family doesn’t want him, and now I know why. . . if he would just man-up, get a job or at least get on meds, and then get his own place, then he can “play his game,” or “tell it like it is.” <–Both term he used. . . I just think it’s a guy out of control trying to be a big shot on nothing.

My other roommate told me not to worry, they are leaving. I hope so, at least the guy.

On a side note: The thing is I am normally dominant. I would normally be in his face, but my hormones (or so I think) have made me weaker or at least highly emotional. I have had three panick attacks within two months. . . I get instant senses/feeling of dread for no reason: there are times I am paranoid that someone is out to get me or my roommates. When someone lifts their voice I either hide in my room, go to the library, or cry. This is not who I am. . . I know I didn’t like the bull-dog personality in me, but I need it.

Will this drama ever stop?

Okay, Tom and I have moved into a new house. . . actually we are paying for a room and get free reign of the house. At first, I thought we were just living with a family of three. . . Then I found out there was another roommate, but she worked all of the time, and stayed out of everyone’s business. However her lover (the other guy’s cousin) was weaseling in. . . He was only supposed to stay for a week and it is now six weeks and he hasn’t left. (All because he found the other roommates sweet spots.) However he had caused so much drama.

He got drunk and pushed everyone into karaoke. I’m surprised we didn’t get the cops called on us.

He keeps giving minors cigarettes and he socializes with them; getting caught in their drama.

Then he ate several days of my food. . . he kept telling me I needed to cook for everyone and to save everyone a plate. . . I ran out of food before the end of the month. We had to get creative on a few meals. I took at it as lesson learned.

Then he busted into our room when I was venting . . . no knock and he went crazy. He denied everything, and then tells us he had enough money to eat out everyday (places like Red Lobster.) He also said lies like he was allergic to garlic, but I saw him put it in his own food. (I was told he had some mental problems, which I could tell by the obvious signs.)

Then he got drunk again, scared a guy, and they got into a pushing and yelling fight. . . Now that was strike two. . . then the family we are living said no drinking alcohol. (which we don’t drink anyway.) And then last night he invited a drunk over who was drinking in the house, and I got harassed. (I think this is way beyond strike three.)

Then he threatened my fiance. . . telling my mom that he and his friends wanted to kill him when he goes out. Now I feel I am living in fear, because there is a man with mental problems who has not just threatened my fiance, but I feel threatened.

Then today he drunk six cans of beer fast enough the get himself drunk and blurted out that the family who invited him in cannot tell him what to do. Then he made a noise and rushed out of his room.

I believe without this guy. . . there will be a lot less drama. Can that happen soon, please?

More writing drama. . . click here: http://rebekahwolveire.wordpress.com/2014/09/04/saturday-night-writing-drama/