I’m stronger. . .

I’ve always tried to be a positive, hopeful person. I’ve even had moments of happiness and perkiness.

However I’ve had a lot of scary things happen to me. . . Since I survive them, I’m only stronger for it.

My strength is in my family and my spirituality. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/im-a-very-spiritual-person/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/
19. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? The scariest?

I’m going to count down from bad to worst. . . (Note: there are a few situations that should be on this list but I do not want to talk about at this moment, my strength is not that high.)

The three incidents I can talk about are. . .

3. I had to drop a class for college. (Sometimes, a college student just puts too much on their schedule, my guidance counselor said dozens students walk her into office daily to drop or change schedule or major. It was okay and normal.)

It was a major course for my music major. I had a plan, perform get an Associate of Arts and get grants and such with my musical performances and perform for a while and eventually teach music. I probably had my first 15 years of my adult life planned out.

I knew I was struggling with playing one piece and singing another. I did all of my professors suggestion and I kept wanting to sing what I would play.
However I went to the doctors and realized I had inner ear problems. I knew I had ear issues, but the doctors said as a kid my hearing was fine. However my many ear aches, infections, and swimmer’ s ear caught up with me. My right hears worst than my right.

I was told by my professor to drop the course. It was not fair for her to spend so much time on me when I was no going improve. It was harsh for me to hear. (No pun intended.)

Without the course, I could not be a music major. SIGH!

So with dropping the course, I was also changing my major.

The silver lining was that several semesters last I discovered that writing easily took over my passion of music. I do now have an Associate of Arts.

2. My parents divorced when I was 8 . . . They only lived a city away. I lived with dad Monday through Friday. I saw my mom Friday night to Sunday.

I knew both loved me ( and still do.) However it torn in pieces when I would see one as I would worry over the other. Felt like I was hurting one, if I mentioned the other.

Truthfully be told, they are both very capable adults and can take care of themselves. They are good people, when they are on their own, doing their own thing. I will admit at one time, they lived each other, but I know that they love me. That is all that counts.

1. This last one is pretty hard of me. . . Sometime I even blame myself because I wasn’t paying attention to all of her bills.

Long story, short due to so much debt, we lost my grandma’s house.

When I moved in with my mom, she was working full time, so my brother and I helped my grandma out. My brother cooked a lit for her. I took over her main budgeting as she own every utility. . . I got her main bills out of the red in 18 months. I’m still very proud of that accomplishment. (However some desperate credit union had conned my grandma into a 30 year old mortgage before I moved in. Even I know you don’t give a 30 year mortgage to a 70 year old. Sighs.)

My grandma got robbed by her roofers, the only thing she got out of 30k was new windows. Anyway, I got it so that she could pay everything and still go to bingo.

In 2009, she passed away. The problem was she had over 10,000 dollars of medical debt as her two insurance barely covered anything. According to three lawyers, in order to get to the estates, we would have to had paid all of her medical bills. (She also used all of her life insurance, church and burial service helped with that as we had used them for several friends and family members.)

For years, we tried to talk and even paid the mortage to stay at the house, but because it belonged to the deceased, we could not access it. In 2014, we lost the house.

The thing it wasn’t just a worn-down house on peaceful land. . . It was mre than years of memories. . . It was my comfort. . . It was my security. . . It was my home! I have not been the same since we lost it.

I am stronger than I know, but I wish I could get it back, but it has been knocked down. I would love to get some money, come up with some blue prints and make a new house there.

14 Day Challenge Day 11: Defunked

14 day Challenge: Day 11 Writing what is on my mind

(This happened in June)

I tried to watch a movie called “Side Effects’ on Sunday. It was about a woman who was depressed and got meds, but they had a side effect of sleep walking. . . well her husband wouldn’t leave her alone, and she stabbed him. I just could not finish the movie.

This movie is the only thing I think could have given me an panic attack. . . I had extreme sense of doom, my chest got heavy, my head began to pound, and I was just scared. Then I tried to see if I could chat with anyone, but like usual when I need to chat no one was online. So I just went to bed, sleep usually helps, but I woke up with the same sense of doom.

What is wrong with me?

I wrote this on one of the many sites I use to post my writings, and be social. It’s called Experience Project. I used to love Facebook, but then too many women my age got pregnant and/or book deals, and it just made me more depressed seeing what I didn’t have. Experience Project allowed me to write stories and compare to others experiences.

Anyway this is not about what social groups I like. This is about my anxiety, and what it is doing to my body. I’ve been having chest pains, headaches, stomach issues, and I have been constantly tired, exhausted.

I’ve have been so excite about making food for myself, and I have not been able to enjoy my food this week. . .. queasiness, nausea, indigestion, I feel full after a few bites (it feels like I did when I had mono.) What sucks is that food was my last thing I was truly excited about next to my writing, and now I feel like I am losing it. . . I go to a doctor and they will tell me to lose weight. . . or on a special diet.

I gave up my cat, I have no sex drive, art isn’t as appealing to me anymore, TV is same old, same old, and it’s hard to focus on my writing when I feel like crap. Cooking and baking were a few things I looked forward too. . . I enjoy food. However I feel like my body is against me. . . what is going on?

Note: Check out the blog on it is like to deal with anxiety and depression. https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

(Now end of July)

My stepmom (first of all, there is a different between a stepmother and stepmom. Stepmother are mean and make you feel bad about yourself. Stepmom wish and act like your real mom. . . they make sure you are safe, but give you room to grow.) my stepmom has helped me get out of the house and face my anxiety and depression head on. I know many of my triggers, but I still feel anxious, but I just feel so much better with someone who understands and actually tries to help.

I have had a really good week, I know I have to go back home, but I really do not want to. I have been just so stressed, I feel like it’s creeping up on me just knowing that I have to go back. I have been avoiding my roommates, and I have just do NOT feel at home at the address that we are currently staying. I feel more more at home on my dad’s and stepmom’s couch, under their rules than in a room we rented.

I even get anxious when my stepmom had to take someone else to a few appointments. I will admit I am the jealous type, but it was more with anxiety. I finally found someone who said that they will help me, and I do NOT want to lose that. I am just plain scared. It seems today all I want to do is cry. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety or depression even on my enemy.

It’s like. . .

Doctor appointments
Me: I need help. I know someone who understands this and is willing to help me. Let work on that as soon as we can.
Depression: Why would she help you? She is just saying this to keep her guy (my dad) happy. They all want to control you. . . first they are nice, and once you’re in it will be “Do this! Do that! Don’t do that! Don’t write! You have to clean. You have to do errands. You have to go to bed by 10pm. You have to get up by 8am. Leave the cats alone.”
Me: Stop it, it is not like that.
Depression: Come on, isn’t she just too nice?
Me: Can’t someone just be nice?
Anxiety: She is a nice lady. I like the kitties.
Depression: She is just using her niceness to get what she wants. She doesn’t want you touching the kitties.
Me: Shut up.
Depression: No Help. No Kitties.
Anxiety: But I like the kitties. (Cries and runs and hides)
Me: Well, at least she is not overwhelmed.
Depression: It doesn’t matter, good luck getting away from me.
I am determined to get a doctor appointment within the few weeks.

Doing Errands
Me: Did you want to stay here or do go out and do errands?
Depression: She doesn’t want you going out. She is replacing you with others. You will be invisible as soon as you go home.
Me: She will remember me. I am related to her.
Depression: No, you are nothing.
Me: (wants to cry, swallows tears) NO. I am going to the doctor soon and I will figure out a way to get you to shut up.
Anxiety: Kitties?
Depression: Kitties ran away, because they don’t like you.
Anxiety: No kitties?
Me: Shut up, the cat sleep during the day.
Depression: Whatever.
Me: (stay busy looking at places on computer.)
Depression: Why bother? You know you’re stuck. You have no other place you can go. You helpless, fat whiny, useless b*tch. Are you going to cry now?
Me: (Swallow tears): No, I am not going to take it.
Been depressed all day. Playing Shadowrun (futuristic D&D RPG) just to avoid my depression.

I need to go play some games and stop focusing on my depression.

This what is it like with depression and anxiety

I saw this video and it make me think if made my depression and anxiety into their own characters. Living with Depression: Buzzfeed

Day with Depression and Anxiety. . .

I wanted to show what is it like to be with depression and anxiety. . . I made them characters. . .  Depression is like a older b*tch who doesn’t get alone with anyone. Anxiety is like a little kid worried about everything.
I’ll show what is like to deal with them with daily issues. . . I describe depression as a bully, a monster, a hormone, but it is not just a thought or choice. Anxiety is the constant what if in my head that never seems to shut up. They are not switches that we can turn on and off. In fact, there is no off switch for mine, at times the only a reset button if I slept long and hard enough.

Wake up
Me: I need to pee.
Depression: You want to go back to sleep. The bed is warm and comfy.
Anxiety: If you don’t go to bathroom, you might have an accident or damage organs. (Yes, my Anxiety is that paranoid).
Action: Goes to the bathroom, because I do not want an accident. 

Shower Attempt 1
Me: I should take a shower. I always feel better after a shower.
Depression: Why take a shower? Then you have more laundry. Remember your last shower, two minutes in and someone turned on the washer. . . no damn water pressure. Beside where are you going?
Anxiety: We are going some where. . . Oh Sh*t.. . what if we have an accident? What if we lose our ID? What if we get into a car accident? F^ck! No Shower! Go Back to bed.
Action: Sits in bed plays facebook games.

Errands
Me: I have to go to bank, pay the cable, and go grocery shopping.
Depression: * whines * But why do we have to go out, the bed is nice and warm. You love your computer and air-conditioned room. You know you want to play endless, meaningless games.
Anxiety: Are we really going out? What if we get into an accident? What if there is confrontation? What if we get left someone where? I am not feeling well. * Makes my stomach nauseous *
Action: Take a deep breath and goes to the car

In Car going to bank
Me: * Reevaluates what we need for everything for the twentieth time * (Note: Not OCD, I just add my numbers more than once to get them right)
Depression: When can we get home? I do not like the sun; it makes the car too warm. I want to go to bed . . . Screw the world!
Anxiety: Are we going too fast? They clipped the corner too hard. Do we have to talk? Why is he sleeping (My boyfriend has fallen asleep a few times). What if all of the prices go up? What if we forget something? What if we don’t get the right money?
Action: Breathing heavy staring out of the window

Writing Attempt 1
Me: I need to finish my fan fiction and get it posted.
Depression: What is the point. . . you’re not going to make it as a writer anyway. Meyer is still better than you. (By the way, I am Anne Rice fan, and I do NOT think vampire should sparkle or stare at 17 year old girls in their sleep. . . stalker creepy.)
Anxiety: What if you really do stink? We all know your grammar and spelling are bad. Maybe we should just play Sim or this facebook game looks fun.
Action: Writes two lines of a blog while chatting with perverts who pretend to care.

Shower Attempt 2
Me: I need a shower. I feel hot and sticky.
Depression: Just turn up the a/c and spray some perfume. Who are you trying to please anyway? Your boyfriend? He is too busy with a computer screen. Some guy online who really only want to see your boobs. Look, you are only on level 110 of Candy Crush. . . you know you want to go higher.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere? Why do we need a shower? Do we smell? Is something wrong?
Action: Puts on extra spray and deodorant and chats online.

Job Search
Me: I need more money.
Depression: Why? So you can spend it on endless bills? I tell you they never end.
Me: We need to get our own house.
Anxiety: I want a kitty.
Depression: More money wasted.
Opens e-mail. . .
Anxiety: That is a lot of e-mail. (Screams, and hides in pillow and blanket fort).
Goes through all old e-mail and deleted dated stuff.
Depression: Why are we doing this? You really want a nap. Your dream world is better than this. Reality sucks so bad!
Half way through the first application.
Depression: Do you really think you can do that job? Are you really qualified?
Action; Saves application and plays Cookie Jam.

Doctor issues
Me: I need to see the doctor. (writes list of symptoms)
Depression: Why bother? Unless you want another doctor to yell at you, call you a child and laugh behind your back. Maybe you’ll get one that will make you cry. What if you are sick, then what? Is your boyfriend going to want to take time out of prime life to take care of you? Really? All you do is cry and yell at him, who would love a person like that.
Anxiety: Are you sick? (Upsets stomach with worry, make nauseous.) What is wrong? Are we pregnant? Do we have an infection? Oh, My goddesh, We have cancer? Are we going to die?
Action: Looks up symptoms online. . . points it’s UTI (cranberry juice and old antibiotics)

I need to get out
Me: I need to get out and do something.
Depression: But you are only on 118 of Candy Crush. You need to talk to all of those people on EP, you know that they “care” about you. (Sarcasm)
Me: Are you being Sarcastic?
Depression: No, you are such an interesting person. Everyone wants to get to know you.
Me: Quit being a jerk.
Depression: Why? You are invisible.
Text friends, but all of have plans. . .
Depression: See told you. You are invisible.
Anxiety: (Sighs in relief): It’s ok. It’s better this way. . . we might have had an accident or freaked out.
Action: Plays Sims and takes a nap.

Shower Attempt 3
Me: My hair is greasy. I need a shower.
Depression: No you don’t, grease is good for the hair.
Me: No, I feel dirty. I need a shower.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere?
Me: No, I am just dirty.
Anxiety: Okay. (goes back to coloring)
Depression: You want to go back to bed.
Me: My hair is nasty.
Action: I take a shower two hours later, because someone was doing laundry.

My depression also twists the words of others. . .
My boyfriend: I love you, hun, but can you give me a minute. (He had to get a drink of water.)
Me: Yeah.
Depression: He doesn’t love you: he is just saying that to keep you calm. You always be second in his life. . . loves his xbox 360, chatting, and yeah his water, his glorious water. You are just thing to do thing for him. However he could do them on his own, he is just accustomed of you doing them.
Anxiety: Oh my god, he is going to leave me. I don’t drink enough water. I am not worthy enough.
By the time he comes back I am in tears. He had no idea how exactly twisted my thoughts had gotten.

My boyfriend’s computer beeps (facebook chat)
Me: What are you talking about?
My Boyfriend: We are working on the storyline about two comic book characters that more people know because of the movies and we are working on own story for them. (This is generalized by the way.)
Depression: * Laughs * They are plotting how much better life would be without you . . . Food would taste better. Sex would feel better. The world would generally be happier without you. Every time that chimes it just means it’s another paragraph of how better the world is WITHOUT you!
Anxiety: I am not worthy, why? What did I do?
Depression: Remembered when he wanted to do something and you say “no?”
Anxiety: Maybe
Depression: You lost your dignity and worthiness then, b*tch. That is why he goes online, because he doesn’t want to be with you.
Me: BOTH OH YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!
And I usually up snapping at him or crying.

Kind of personal: doctor issues

Okay. . . I know with all of the symptoms that I have now. . . I should be seeing a doctor.

(No auntie flo in 18 weeks, depression, exhaustion, headaches, anxiety, ab pressure and soreness, breast soreness, dizziness, and I have to pee a lot. It could be another damn bladder infection (UTI). I do hope it’s pregnancy.)

The last time I had similar issues was last June (2014). I went into the ER. I took a urine test. Then the doctor sent in the intern instead of himself. His first react is “You must be relieved that you aren’t pregnant.” I was so shocked that I was speechless, (if you know me, I am an emotional talker.)

I ask for blood work, he said no. (The think I know that have UTI at least once a year, and kidney issues, but he never even looked into that.) He just wanted me out of there. In fact, I over heard the nurses talking all of the interns were graduating that day.

I ask for blood work again (and I hate needles), and he yelled at me.

Then when he did the exam, he asked me all of the symptoms that the lady next me had and ask her all of my symptoms. We both we confused. Then he had the insensibility to tell me I had STD, and send out tests for that which came out negative. (I have had the same partner for 8 years, and we have both been checked for different things. I know we were cleaned. Did he think I was partying type? )

The problem was that the hospital plastered his face all over their website. I wrote a very nasty letter when they sent a survey.

The actual doctor saw me no more than two minutes and did not let me get a word in edge wise. The doctor said I has an UTI. I knew that but no one figured out why I did not have my female issues for four months (16weeks).

I broke down talking it out with the pharmacist.

They send me to a local clinic in which it took me a week to get an appointment for blood work, and the the doctor there just seem indifferent like she rather be any where else. She looked at me weird when I cried once I saw a picture of a baby (it was hormones, even she should know that). Then it took two weeks to get results to a test that should have been done in hours.
I refuse to go back to the local clinic, because before then that appointment (three years ago, ) I had a nurse there that said gas-trial reflex can cause pregnancy symptoms, and a doctor that told me with my stress level the chance of my keeping a pregnancy is almost impossible.

Why do I keep finding the worst doctors?

Will I ever find a decent doctor? I need to find a decent family doctor so I find a therapist. (Stupid insurance).