Category Archives: anxiety

I’m going in circles, get me off the ride

I’m going in torturous cycles.

I get depressed, sad, desperate, lonely, and I search online through piles of endless profiles of similar people.

  • I get nice guy who don’t get me. (They want a family with kids. I’m NOT into kids. I’m into cats.)
  • I get vanilla guys who want their thrills but know they have to date to do so.
  • I get guys my parents age who want to feel their youth again (gross).

  • I get guys who don’t listen, because I’m just a voice or blank body in their fantasy world.
  • I get those who want release from anyone, and I am the closest unfortunate blank soul.
  • I even get native virgins who think they know what they are doing and what they want. (Hahaha.)
  • I get married guys who want the action their wife stopped giving them.

Then on one really sad day, I get mephorifically drunk with a desperate loneliness and settle for a guy that does not fit what I want or need. (This happened last year when I got a too old smoking complainer. He had all opportunities for happiness, but he had no idea what he wanted. I hated who I was with him.)

I just wish I had a better place where I can have my own recliner, desk, working computer with wifi and cuddly cat. Then add a few friends who get me, so I’m not technically lonely, and I won’t desperately pick the wrong guy, again. Sigh.

I’m doing it again. . .I’m looking on several profiles when I should be writing and be productive. What is wrong with me?

Help me stop this bitter stupid cycle. it’s a worst habit than my soda addiction. https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/08/28/bad-habits-part-2-3/

Home: a special place

This was one of my homes growing up. . .

This was like my safety net. Once we lost it, its been high anxiety ever since.

It kills me as the house belonged to our family for four generations. It was built by my Great Grandpa Charles. The land is blessed and there is a creek in the backyard. There was a garden going up . .. strawberries, tomatoes, green beans, flower etc.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

3. Where is ‘home’?

I miss our old home. It was oldest and dirtiest house on the block, but it was safe and I felt like I could be myself there. Everyone felt welcomed there. I felt like I vould make mistakes and learn and no matter how I fall on my face, it will always be home. The energy level was peaceful and spiritually high. (I keep dreaming of the old house.)

Currently home is not a building, but those who you are with. . . Those who support you even though you write blogs at 1 in the morning.

I just hope some day I can get a place with my supportive family and we can feel peaceful and safe again. Please.
10. Do you have a special place you like to visit regularly?

It used to be the library, but the walk is now too far.

Mediation sometimes taken me to my special place, but it’s been hard to mediate lately.

I’m stronger. . .

I’ve always tried to be a positive, hopeful person. I’ve even had moments of happiness and perkiness.

However I’ve had a lot of scary things happen to me. . . Since I survive them, I’m only stronger for it.

My strength is in my family and my spirituality. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/12/im-a-very-spiritual-person/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/
19. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? The scariest?

I’m going to count down from bad to worst. . . (Note: there are a few situations that should be on this list but I do not want to talk about at this moment, my strength is not that high.)

The three incidents I can talk about are. . .

3. I had to drop a class for college. (Sometimes, a college student just puts too much on their schedule, my guidance counselor said dozens students walk her into office daily to drop or change schedule or major. It was okay and normal.)

It was a major course for my music major. I had a plan, perform get an Associate of Arts and get grants and such with my musical performances and perform for a while and eventually teach music. I probably had my first 15 years of my adult life planned out.

I knew I was struggling with playing one piece and singing another. I did all of my professors suggestion and I kept wanting to sing what I would play.
However I went to the doctors and realized I had inner ear problems. I knew I had ear issues, but the doctors said as a kid my hearing was fine. However my many ear aches, infections, and swimmer’ s ear caught up with me. My right hears worst than my right.

I was told by my professor to drop the course. It was not fair for her to spend so much time on me when I was no going improve. It was harsh for me to hear. (No pun intended.)

Without the course, I could not be a music major. SIGH!

So with dropping the course, I was also changing my major.

The silver lining was that several semesters last I discovered that writing easily took over my passion of music. I do now have an Associate of Arts.

2. My parents divorced when I was 8 . . . They only lived a city away. I lived with dad Monday through Friday. I saw my mom Friday night to Sunday.

I knew both loved me ( and still do.) However it torn in pieces when I would see one as I would worry over the other. Felt like I was hurting one, if I mentioned the other.

Truthfully be told, they are both very capable adults and can take care of themselves. They are good people, when they are on their own, doing their own thing. I will admit at one time, they lived each other, but I know that they love me. That is all that counts.

1. This last one is pretty hard of me. . . Sometime I even blame myself because I wasn’t paying attention to all of her bills.

Long story, short due to so much debt, we lost my grandma’s house.

When I moved in with my mom, she was working full time, so my brother and I helped my grandma out. My brother cooked a lit for her. I took over her main budgeting as she own every utility. . . I got her main bills out of the red in 18 months. I’m still very proud of that accomplishment. (However some desperate credit union had conned my grandma into a 30 year old mortgage before I moved in. Even I know you don’t give a 30 year mortgage to a 70 year old. Sighs.)

My grandma got robbed by her roofers, the only thing she got out of 30k was new windows. Anyway, I got it so that she could pay everything and still go to bingo.

In 2009, she passed away. The problem was she had over 10,000 dollars of medical debt as her two insurance barely covered anything. According to three lawyers, in order to get to the estates, we would have to had paid all of her medical bills. (She also used all of her life insurance, church and burial service helped with that as we had used them for several friends and family members.)

For years, we tried to talk and even paid the mortage to stay at the house, but because it belonged to the deceased, we could not access it. In 2014, we lost the house.

The thing it wasn’t just a worn-down house on peaceful land. . . It was mre than years of memories. . . It was my comfort. . . It was my security. . . It was my home! I have not been the same since we lost it.

I am stronger than I know, but I wish I could get it back, but it has been knocked down. I would love to get some money, come up with some blue prints and make a new house there.

Planner Versus Going by my gut

#4 Do you read reviews, or just go with your gut?

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

90% of the time, I am a planner.

I spend hours into . . .

  • research
  • schedules
  • organized with outlines
  • to-do lists,
  • Colored notes
  • plans from A to ZZZ.
  • I usually have at least have three different plans at one time.

Todays to-do list

  1. Write blogs
  2. Sleep
  3. Vaccum
  4. Make dinner
  5. Take out trash
  6. Work on writing notes
  7. Review fantasy football team
  • I like to get notebooks, colored pens, and day planners.
  • I like my notes in colors.
  • I even try to make a menu before I go to the store with a grocery list. I don’t have a lot of money to buy impulsively.
  • The thing that drives me crazy is my health issues that interfere with my plans.
  • I write in https://www.NaNoWriMo.org which is in November and I write 50,000 words in 30 days. I post about my research, outlining and progress on my writing blog. http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/
  • I do not like to be late. I pride myself to get early to appointment.
  • I get panic attacks and anxiety when I can’t schedule ahead with most things or if I’m late.

The last time I did something without research was I dated this negative guy who just didn’t want to be alone. (I wasn’t what he wanted, and he wasn’t what I wanted or needed.)

I also got a tablet with out comparing or researching the others, I should at least asked the store clerk, because it locks up on me, and will not run some of the games I want. . . Sigh.

My ex boyfriend was good at going with the flow and I knew if I was with him and his luck things would work out right. However since he died, I feel anxious without plan.

My TV

I usually have to fight for TV time with three other people. I have also noticed two things. . .

  1. Every time I like a show its usually already cancelled or about to cancel. (Minus those shows on HGTV, Food Network, or MTV.)
  2. Many regular networks (the ones that are supposed be free) they keep trying to remake cancelled shows or remake. Why? We have 7.6 billion in this world, then with that many people come up with new, creative, twisted ideas.

The 10 ten current shows I usually watch or at least on in backgrounds

  1. Catfish
  2. Property Brothers
  3. Mom
  4. Big Bang Theory
  5. Bones
  6. Chopped and Guy’s Grocery Games
  7. Supernatural
  8. 2 Broke Girls
  9. Criminal Minds
  10. Young and Hungry

This is my prompt question from my personal prompt challenge

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

13. In which television show’s world would you most want to live? Who I be?

Like my many writing projects, I would want to live in many different TV shows. . . (my list in no certain order)

  1. Catfish (I want to work with Nev and his wife Laura as their researcher. I would be like their “Criminal Minds” Penelope, sweet, cute researcher.)
  2. Property Brothers (I would love to take down a wall with Jonathan or paint a room or two.)
  3. Chopped or Guy’s Grocery Games (a cook or judge I’m not picky, lol)
  4. Dharma and Greg (I would be Daisy, Greg’s bratty high tech, introvert cousin that Dharma wants to open up.)
  5. 2 Broke Girls (I would be a baking cup cake competitor who give Max and Caroline a run for their money but teaches them a lesson.)
  6. Big Bang Theory (I’m a clumsy intern name Jennette that Penny has to train. I get along with Amy while Shelton gets jealous.)
  7. Criminal Minds (I’m a writer and prime suspect of multi murder, but it wasn’t me, it was one of my fans, secretary of my fan club.)
  8. Supernatural (I would be a demonic witch with angel mojo and make Dean fight with his inner angels and demons.)
  9. Young and Hungry (Josh’s mother doesn’t like gabby, and I’m the girl, she tries to set him up with.)
  10. Sabrina the Teenage Witch (I’m a fellow witch to encourage her to go to school in the other realm, but if she graduate she can’t come back to Earth.)

Runners up. . .

  • Boy Meets World (a girl who crushes on Sean, but he doesn’t like me because I’m a geek.)
  • CSI, CSI New York (dead writer whose crazed fan believes they were stealing their ideas)
  • Bones (widow to dead husband who realized he had cheated on her the entire relationship)
  • Mom (random person in AA meeting telling others what its like when sober people have to deal with drunks.)
  • True Blood (another vampire)
  • Dexter (the bank receptionist)
  • House M.D. (a patient with a mutated cancer)

Lonely vs Alone

I was told there is difference with being alone and being lonely.

Alone is where you are okay to simply to be by yourself. I can handle this for a few hours, maybe up to day, I do my own thing, cook my own food, watch my favorite TV shows etc. (I usually start missing others after an afternoon or so.)

Loneliness is when even in a crowd you feel you cannot find someone who understands you. (It doesn’t even have to be in a romantic way, just even friends.)

When I’m saying I’m lonely, its not because I’m sitting in the middle of nowhere with no one around me . . . its because I can’t openly communicate with someone who understands and encourages me.

I have stopped looking for a boyfriend on these endless personal sites full of catfish. (I have been finding ways to love and understand myself.)

If fate wants me to be with someone, then they will have us meet. (Until then I will talk and chat with others about anything but sex, religion, or politics.)

14 Day Writing Challenge: Day 13 What do I love. . .

Day 13 writing something that I love

I three thinks that I really love

Friends and family

I wish I could win the lottery, so I can show them all that they have done for me. I just do not feel that words do enough. I would love to take them on a cruise.

The other day, I was visiting my dad, stepmom, and my brothers. I ripped the side of my shoe (my feet are so wide, I had blow out.) My brother went off and bought me socks and shoes. It was so sweet. (He will not even talk to his real mom, he said that I and our stepmom have raised him. They do feel not just like brothers, but my own kids.)

My stepmom bought me breakfast and lunch (two different days) just to see how I was doing. She also understood my anxiety and depression and is helping me find the right doctors.

I also love my boyfriend. For a long time he was the only one you understood me. We usually see things eye to eye. He supports me and writes with me. He also edit most of my books.

I have few friends, but I expected to get that way as I gotten older. It’s just lonely. Everyone seems to have their own kids with their own lives.

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Cats

I love my four legged, purring fur babies. I love how they are independent, but they want love from you. They cuddle when you sleep, and purr in your ear. When I am holding a cat, I feel more relaxed.

I have learned that each cat has their own personality. They have can have health or mental issues. My last car Momo has anxiety when we would leave. (I’m glad she had a new house with another cat, I think that is what she needed.)

I just hope I can get a house soon, so I can have my cats.

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Writing

There is no feeling like hours on hours of writing and having a story to show for it. It a creation from the birth of the idea all the way to the publication (whether it be a book or a blog). I feel like each project is my baby. . . . some struggle more than others, but each piece help me express myself through plot and characters.

I can clean the entire house, organize my computer, fix everyone problems, make a seven course meal with dessert, eat, visit friends/family, and clean up the kitchen, but if I did not write, then I do not feel productive.
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14 Day Challenge Day 12: Short Story: Beach

Day 12 Write a short story. Beach

Rebekah Wolveire © 2015

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She walked on the beach to get away from her stressful life. She allowed the waves to take away all of her problems even if it was just for those few moments. She thought she what looked like the water rushing over a huge pile of sand, but as she walked closer. . . as she walked closer, she noticed more details and saw it was a man sleeping in the sand. She rushed over and the first thing she noticed about him was his eyes. The bright blue irises reminded her of the water blending into the sky at the horizon took her breath away.

“Hi.” She could barely get the word out, while she let her hand out to help him up.

“Hi. Do you know me?” He was hesitant to grab her hand.

“You look familiar. I thought you needed help.” She sighed.

“Just be careful, not all people are so nice.” She helped him up.

“I’m Jesse.” She felt she could trust him. She felt she could tell him anything, and he would just keep her secret in the sea of blue deep in his eyes.

“I’m Jonathan.” He smiled, and she got nervous, but in an exiting way. They walked along the beach for hours. They talked openly. They laughed carelessly. They played tag like kids. Their feet running in the damp sand. They forgot life for a while. They needed each other even if it was just for that one moment.

Then in one moment of frozen time, their lips connected. The world could ended, but neither one would have cared, they had the complete intimate connection. Then the sublime day stopped sudden once he said. . .

“Damn, I need to go home,” he frowned.

“Where do you live? I’ll walk you home.” She offered not wanting to go back to her own life yet, and she was hoping for another amazing kiss.

“No, I’ll be fine. You should go.” She didn’t understand the complete change of heart. He could see tears forming in her eyes.

“Look, I just want you have this great moment of me. I want you to always think of me when you go the beach. So please just go, and smile for me, okay?” He kissed her on the cheek. She let him walk away until she could barely see him anymore. She didn’t want to go back to the quiet house with low hours at works and bills piling up.

Sad, she kicked around the sand to find a wallet. She opened it to see his face on the ID. She ran toward the direction he had walked in, but no one was there. She looked at the address on his ID and decided to return his wallet.

It was just two streets away from the beach. She needed the walk.

The address matched a white sided house with a small wooden fence around the side. There were red, yellow, and pink rose bushes in front of the porch. She walked up the stairs, knocked on the door, and sighed. She was hoping he would be at the door to greet him with a great embrace.

An older woman answered the door, her eyes were just as blue as his, but her face had miles of stress over it.

“Hi, I wanted to give Jonathan back his wallet.” Jesse has so much hope and joy in her voice. She could see afternoon teas with Jonathan’s mother talking about how him as a child. She could see how their life together would be so great.

“I really don’t know how to tell you this. . .” Jesse’s day dreaming instantly stopped. Jesse didn’t speak, but she just watch the older woman’s bleak expression.

“Please come in.” She explained. Jesse was hesitant, but she wanted an answer. She followed the older lady.

“Please sit down. Would you like some tea?” Jesse smiled, sat down, but declined the tea.

“I’m sorry, but my son, Jonathan, is dead. Has been for twelve years today?” She noticed her cat calendar. Jesse was speechless, but his mother could see the endless questions in the young girl’s teal eyes.

“He was helping a young woman at the beach, and he hit his head in the water, trying to help her. It was an accident.” She poured herself some tea.

“Are you sure?” She offered again. Jesse wanted something stronger. Her eyes scanned the living room filled with pictures of the young man and his mother. There was on with him and a cat; it made her smile.

“I have been getting a different girl each year, and each one needs something.” The aged lady paused. . .

“What is it that you need, dear?”

“It’s was last year when I lost my cat. I miss him dearly.” She knew that bills will always be there and eventually she will get another job, she really missed her tuxedo cat whiskers. The older woman excused herself for a moment.

“Maybe that is why this kitty kept coming back to my porch?” She had a large black and white cat.

“Oh my God, this is Whiskers. I can’t believe you found him.” She was so excited that she hugged the old woman. She saw how lonely the old woman seemed. She gave the woman the wallet and agreed to visit. Jesse kept her word.

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This story was inspired by Jonathan Brandis RIP08fe4284836d722ed4b9a20de3ef5183 21d29ab636aee498483f3b3c3006e7f0 download Drawing-jonathan-brandis-20910659-605-875 images (8) jonathan the-life-and-tragic-death-of-neverending-story-2-star-jonathan-brandis-313613

14 Day Challenge Day 11: Defunked

14 day Challenge: Day 11 Writing what is on my mind

(This happened in June)

I tried to watch a movie called “Side Effects’ on Sunday. It was about a woman who was depressed and got meds, but they had a side effect of sleep walking. . . well her husband wouldn’t leave her alone, and she stabbed him. I just could not finish the movie.

This movie is the only thing I think could have given me an panic attack. . . I had extreme sense of doom, my chest got heavy, my head began to pound, and I was just scared. Then I tried to see if I could chat with anyone, but like usual when I need to chat no one was online. So I just went to bed, sleep usually helps, but I woke up with the same sense of doom.

What is wrong with me?

I wrote this on one of the many sites I use to post my writings, and be social. It’s called Experience Project. I used to love Facebook, but then too many women my age got pregnant and/or book deals, and it just made me more depressed seeing what I didn’t have. Experience Project allowed me to write stories and compare to others experiences.

Anyway this is not about what social groups I like. This is about my anxiety, and what it is doing to my body. I’ve been having chest pains, headaches, stomach issues, and I have been constantly tired, exhausted.

I’ve have been so excite about making food for myself, and I have not been able to enjoy my food this week. . .. queasiness, nausea, indigestion, I feel full after a few bites (it feels like I did when I had mono.) What sucks is that food was my last thing I was truly excited about next to my writing, and now I feel like I am losing it. . . I go to a doctor and they will tell me to lose weight. . . or on a special diet.

I gave up my cat, I have no sex drive, art isn’t as appealing to me anymore, TV is same old, same old, and it’s hard to focus on my writing when I feel like crap. Cooking and baking were a few things I looked forward too. . . I enjoy food. However I feel like my body is against me. . . what is going on?

Note: Check out the blog on it is like to deal with anxiety and depression. https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

(Now end of July)

My stepmom (first of all, there is a different between a stepmother and stepmom. Stepmother are mean and make you feel bad about yourself. Stepmom wish and act like your real mom. . . they make sure you are safe, but give you room to grow.) my stepmom has helped me get out of the house and face my anxiety and depression head on. I know many of my triggers, but I still feel anxious, but I just feel so much better with someone who understands and actually tries to help.

I have had a really good week, I know I have to go back home, but I really do not want to. I have been just so stressed, I feel like it’s creeping up on me just knowing that I have to go back. I have been avoiding my roommates, and I have just do NOT feel at home at the address that we are currently staying. I feel more more at home on my dad’s and stepmom’s couch, under their rules than in a room we rented.

I even get anxious when my stepmom had to take someone else to a few appointments. I will admit I am the jealous type, but it was more with anxiety. I finally found someone who said that they will help me, and I do NOT want to lose that. I am just plain scared. It seems today all I want to do is cry. I wouldn’t wish this anxiety or depression even on my enemy.

It’s like. . .

Doctor appointments
Me: I need help. I know someone who understands this and is willing to help me. Let work on that as soon as we can.
Depression: Why would she help you? She is just saying this to keep her guy (my dad) happy. They all want to control you. . . first they are nice, and once you’re in it will be “Do this! Do that! Don’t do that! Don’t write! You have to clean. You have to do errands. You have to go to bed by 10pm. You have to get up by 8am. Leave the cats alone.”
Me: Stop it, it is not like that.
Depression: Come on, isn’t she just too nice?
Me: Can’t someone just be nice?
Anxiety: She is a nice lady. I like the kitties.
Depression: She is just using her niceness to get what she wants. She doesn’t want you touching the kitties.
Me: Shut up.
Depression: No Help. No Kitties.
Anxiety: But I like the kitties. (Cries and runs and hides)
Me: Well, at least she is not overwhelmed.
Depression: It doesn’t matter, good luck getting away from me.
I am determined to get a doctor appointment within the few weeks.

Doing Errands
Me: Did you want to stay here or do go out and do errands?
Depression: She doesn’t want you going out. She is replacing you with others. You will be invisible as soon as you go home.
Me: She will remember me. I am related to her.
Depression: No, you are nothing.
Me: (wants to cry, swallows tears) NO. I am going to the doctor soon and I will figure out a way to get you to shut up.
Anxiety: Kitties?
Depression: Kitties ran away, because they don’t like you.
Anxiety: No kitties?
Me: Shut up, the cat sleep during the day.
Depression: Whatever.
Me: (stay busy looking at places on computer.)
Depression: Why bother? You know you’re stuck. You have no other place you can go. You helpless, fat whiny, useless b*tch. Are you going to cry now?
Me: (Swallow tears): No, I am not going to take it.
Been depressed all day. Playing Shadowrun (futuristic D&D RPG) just to avoid my depression.

I need to go play some games and stop focusing on my depression.

This what is it like with depression and anxiety

I saw this video and it make me think if made my depression and anxiety into their own characters. Living with Depression: Buzzfeed

Day with Depression and Anxiety. . .

I wanted to show what is it like to be with depression and anxiety. . . I made them characters. . .  Depression is like a older b*tch who doesn’t get alone with anyone. Anxiety is like a little kid worried about everything.
I’ll show what is like to deal with them with daily issues. . . I describe depression as a bully, a monster, a hormone, but it is not just a thought or choice. Anxiety is the constant what if in my head that never seems to shut up. They are not switches that we can turn on and off. In fact, there is no off switch for mine, at times the only a reset button if I slept long and hard enough.

Wake up
Me: I need to pee.
Depression: You want to go back to sleep. The bed is warm and comfy.
Anxiety: If you don’t go to bathroom, you might have an accident or damage organs. (Yes, my Anxiety is that paranoid).
Action: Goes to the bathroom, because I do not want an accident. 

Shower Attempt 1
Me: I should take a shower. I always feel better after a shower.
Depression: Why take a shower? Then you have more laundry. Remember your last shower, two minutes in and someone turned on the washer. . . no damn water pressure. Beside where are you going?
Anxiety: We are going some where. . . Oh Sh*t.. . what if we have an accident? What if we lose our ID? What if we get into a car accident? F^ck! No Shower! Go Back to bed.
Action: Sits in bed plays facebook games.

Errands
Me: I have to go to bank, pay the cable, and go grocery shopping.
Depression: * whines * But why do we have to go out, the bed is nice and warm. You love your computer and air-conditioned room. You know you want to play endless, meaningless games.
Anxiety: Are we really going out? What if we get into an accident? What if there is confrontation? What if we get left someone where? I am not feeling well. * Makes my stomach nauseous *
Action: Take a deep breath and goes to the car

In Car going to bank
Me: * Reevaluates what we need for everything for the twentieth time * (Note: Not OCD, I just add my numbers more than once to get them right)
Depression: When can we get home? I do not like the sun; it makes the car too warm. I want to go to bed . . . Screw the world!
Anxiety: Are we going too fast? They clipped the corner too hard. Do we have to talk? Why is he sleeping (My boyfriend has fallen asleep a few times). What if all of the prices go up? What if we forget something? What if we don’t get the right money?
Action: Breathing heavy staring out of the window

Writing Attempt 1
Me: I need to finish my fan fiction and get it posted.
Depression: What is the point. . . you’re not going to make it as a writer anyway. Meyer is still better than you. (By the way, I am Anne Rice fan, and I do NOT think vampire should sparkle or stare at 17 year old girls in their sleep. . . stalker creepy.)
Anxiety: What if you really do stink? We all know your grammar and spelling are bad. Maybe we should just play Sim or this facebook game looks fun.
Action: Writes two lines of a blog while chatting with perverts who pretend to care.

Shower Attempt 2
Me: I need a shower. I feel hot and sticky.
Depression: Just turn up the a/c and spray some perfume. Who are you trying to please anyway? Your boyfriend? He is too busy with a computer screen. Some guy online who really only want to see your boobs. Look, you are only on level 110 of Candy Crush. . . you know you want to go higher.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere? Why do we need a shower? Do we smell? Is something wrong?
Action: Puts on extra spray and deodorant and chats online.

Job Search
Me: I need more money.
Depression: Why? So you can spend it on endless bills? I tell you they never end.
Me: We need to get our own house.
Anxiety: I want a kitty.
Depression: More money wasted.
Opens e-mail. . .
Anxiety: That is a lot of e-mail. (Screams, and hides in pillow and blanket fort).
Goes through all old e-mail and deleted dated stuff.
Depression: Why are we doing this? You really want a nap. Your dream world is better than this. Reality sucks so bad!
Half way through the first application.
Depression: Do you really think you can do that job? Are you really qualified?
Action; Saves application and plays Cookie Jam.

Doctor issues
Me: I need to see the doctor. (writes list of symptoms)
Depression: Why bother? Unless you want another doctor to yell at you, call you a child and laugh behind your back. Maybe you’ll get one that will make you cry. What if you are sick, then what? Is your boyfriend going to want to take time out of prime life to take care of you? Really? All you do is cry and yell at him, who would love a person like that.
Anxiety: Are you sick? (Upsets stomach with worry, make nauseous.) What is wrong? Are we pregnant? Do we have an infection? Oh, My goddesh, We have cancer? Are we going to die?
Action: Looks up symptoms online. . . points it’s UTI (cranberry juice and old antibiotics)

I need to get out
Me: I need to get out and do something.
Depression: But you are only on 118 of Candy Crush. You need to talk to all of those people on EP, you know that they “care” about you. (Sarcasm)
Me: Are you being Sarcastic?
Depression: No, you are such an interesting person. Everyone wants to get to know you.
Me: Quit being a jerk.
Depression: Why? You are invisible.
Text friends, but all of have plans. . .
Depression: See told you. You are invisible.
Anxiety: (Sighs in relief): It’s ok. It’s better this way. . . we might have had an accident or freaked out.
Action: Plays Sims and takes a nap.

Shower Attempt 3
Me: My hair is greasy. I need a shower.
Depression: No you don’t, grease is good for the hair.
Me: No, I feel dirty. I need a shower.
Anxiety: Are we going somewhere?
Me: No, I am just dirty.
Anxiety: Okay. (goes back to coloring)
Depression: You want to go back to bed.
Me: My hair is nasty.
Action: I take a shower two hours later, because someone was doing laundry.

My depression also twists the words of others. . .
My boyfriend: I love you, hun, but can you give me a minute. (He had to get a drink of water.)
Me: Yeah.
Depression: He doesn’t love you: he is just saying that to keep you calm. You always be second in his life. . . loves his xbox 360, chatting, and yeah his water, his glorious water. You are just thing to do thing for him. However he could do them on his own, he is just accustomed of you doing them.
Anxiety: Oh my god, he is going to leave me. I don’t drink enough water. I am not worthy enough.
By the time he comes back I am in tears. He had no idea how exactly twisted my thoughts had gotten.

My boyfriend’s computer beeps (facebook chat)
Me: What are you talking about?
My Boyfriend: We are working on the storyline about two comic book characters that more people know because of the movies and we are working on own story for them. (This is generalized by the way.)
Depression: * Laughs * They are plotting how much better life would be without you . . . Food would taste better. Sex would feel better. The world would generally be happier without you. Every time that chimes it just means it’s another paragraph of how better the world is WITHOUT you!
Anxiety: I am not worthy, why? What did I do?
Depression: Remembered when he wanted to do something and you say “no?”
Anxiety: Maybe
Depression: You lost your dignity and worthiness then, b*tch. That is why he goes online, because he doesn’t want to be with you.
Me: BOTH OH YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!
And I usually up snapping at him or crying.