14 Day Challenge Day 4 Rant
I want to play Sims, but I wanted to make sure I have this written first. . .
I am just going to rant on what is going on in my head. . . .
Okay, this is all part of this idea. . . Tom and I need to find our own place.
Well, first of all, I miss my desk. My boyfriend took over my desk with his computer, and he is more flexible than me. I am also using his computer, because I broke my “C” key and I need super glue to fix it. I can find it or the dish soap. . . things just keep disappearing in the house, weird. I think if we get our place, I will get him his own desk (he can keep the chair since he broke it, ) and I will get my own desk in my den area.
I stress out and get extreme anxiety very easily. . . It’s not like I can control it. (I’m worried about keeping a job.) The smallest thing can start things. . . then I get panicky, I freak out, and I have known to yell, cry, or both. I freaked over cleaning, not having something I knew I bought. . . someone eating my ice cream. . . I know these things are trivial. However it’s a switch goes off in my head, and I panic, and then I have no control. However last night someone wanted me to keep a secret, and I don’t believe in secrets. . . they are just one step away from lying. (I have lied before, but it was usually to get out of trouble. . . I don’t try to keep secrets. They break trust and get people into trouble. The worst part is that they wanted me to keep a secret for something I was against.) I would have to keep secrets; Tom and I are open with each other, and would have to deal with roommates coming in and out causing unneeded drama.
Anyway, I was told because my body does not handle stress well (after an anxiety attack, I have been down for days, because I get achy, exhausted, and dizzy. I also get migraines.) Because of this, it would be almost impossible for me to hold a pregnancy to full term . . . if at all. My boyfriend was told he had some health issues as well, and couldn’t have kids. At first, I was fine with that, and when I turn 29 and noticed all of my old high school peers having kids and posting them on facebook. . . my hormones started to want a baby. So part of my social anxiety is that I avoid those who are pregnant, because it’s an depression and anxiety trigger. I am the only female person I know my age with no kids. It would be okay, if I got a cat, but the house we’re staying at can’t have pets. They also constantly leave the doors open. . . if you are going to do that then get one of those snap screens at least that way you aren’t bring the insects inside. When we get our place, I have my two cats Thor and Loki and maybe kittens.
My roommate changes the living room, kitchen, and any other part of the house like every two weeks. . . I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. I don’t feel secure or stable with the constant change. The problem is they were here before me, and they got rid of our couch. . . I feel like I’m stuck, and that just bring out my anxiety more. I know that they change the rooms around, because that is how they deal with cleaning and anxiety. (I feel like we are just opposite.) I also hate how no one introduces themselves in this house. . . there are so many people running in out and I feel Tom is only one I can trust and rely on. (When he is in his writing zone, sometimes not.) This really freaks me out with my social anxiety. . . I feel like I am locked in my room 95% of the time.
Tom and I move thing around maybe once everything six months to a year, not every two weeks. I just need to come home and feel secure. Is that too much to ask?
I used to be the boss of my own place. I was afraid to stand up for my beliefs, rights, opinions etc. . . between not being the alpha in this house and my anxiety throwing me a 180, I don’t feel like I can do that much anymore. I feel like I am queen who has been kidnapped and her crown taken away.
I am alpha, I need my own cave, my own castle.
I am frustrated because with my depression, constant kidney/bladder infections, and high anxiety, I’m worried if I will ever keep a job. I got an offer to work with my roommate, just hope they don’t put their neck out there, because I fear that my anxiety is going to get in my way.
I do know that I need to bring in some kind of money.
I just hope that I can get to a doctor soon, and then a therapist so I can get things figured out.